
Author 



Title 



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K»eoi«woeoBO«>aeaBa «>o«OBOoe»OBO»ewaooio»a«oa««M 


The Frisky Mrs. Johnson 1 


9 ^^ 1 


1 CLYDE riTCH 


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ALICE RAUSER | 


1402 Broadwa?^ New YorK City- 8 



The Frisky Mrs. Johnson 



BY 
CLYDE riTCH 



ALICE RAUSEK 

1402 Broadway New Yorh City 



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The Frisky Mrs. Johnson 






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COPYRrOHT, 1908, 
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Bv CLYDE 



AU rights reserved 



AND ALICK KAUSER, 



PLEASE READ CAREFULLY. 

The acting rights of this play are reserved by the author. 
Performance is strictly forbidden unless her express con- 
sent has first been obtained, and attention is called to the 
penalties provided by law for any infringements of her 
rights, as follows: — 

" Sec. 4966: — Any person publicly performing or repre- 
senting any dramatic or musical composition for which 
copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the 
proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his 
heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, 
such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not 
less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars 
for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall 
appear to be 5ust. If the unlawful performance and repre- 
sentation be willful and for profit, such person or persons 
shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be 
imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year."— U. S. 
Revised Statues, Title 60, Chap. 3. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Jim Morley. 

Mr. Frank Morley. 

Lord Bertie Heathcote. 

Mr. Lal Birkenread. 

Prof. Chardly. 

Mr. Bowler. 

Monsieur Max Dindeau. 

Boles. 

Page Boy. 

Mrs. Johnson. 

Mrs. Frank Morley. 

Mrs. Chardly. 

Mrs. Bowler. 

Maid. 



ACT I 

Scene — Drawing Room at the Morleys'. At back a large 
ivindow opening upon a terrace which overhangs the Boule- 
vard, and runs round the apartment as far as the gable. 
Doors R. and l. upper entrances. Lower entrance. Door into 
Frank's room. Entrance from without by lower entrance R. 
The angle of the house is reached by traversing the dining 
room, by upper exit l. 

On rising of the curtain Frank enters l. ready to go out, 
lights a cigarette by table i. Grace and Mrs. Johnson are 
at back, on terrace from which they are both looking down 
on to Boulevard. 

Mrs. J. — Look, Grace, the Boulevard is swarming already. 

Grace — They say it's going to be a most amusing Carnival. 

Frank — What children you two women are! {After turn- 
ing around, Mrs. Johnson moves dozvn.) 

Mrs. J. — That's a bully compliment to our ages, but why? 

Frank — Because, if you ask me, I think the whole thing 
is a bore! (Grace has followed Mrs. Johnson's movement 
and comes down behind screen and around between chimney 
and sofa and arranges the cushions and re-arrangcs the 
knicknacks on the chimney-piece.) 

Grace— Even to-day the street doesn't amuse you? 

Frank— Not a bit. 

Mr.s. J. — My dear, the only street that ever amuses your 
husband is Wall Street— Isn't it, Frank? 

Grace — It's perfectly true, Frank. Your heart and thoughts 
are the entire time at home with your business ! You are 
enjoying nothing over here! Shut up in the club with your 
cables all day and every day! This year abroad which the 
doctors said was absolutely necessary for you away from 
business — isn't. 

Mrs. J. — Ha ! Away from business ! That's good. 

Grace — Exactly ! The vear is already wasted ! 

Mrs. J. — My dear. (She moves dozvn bettveeu the tzvo 
tables above b. e.) You didn't marry Frank Morely, you 
married F. Morley & Co., ig Wall Street. Yon have married 
a clever and successful seat on the Stock Exchange. Sit 
on it and be comfortable. 

Grace — (Softly.) I'm lonely. — antd — (Sits on sofa.) 

Frank — (To Mrs. Johnson.) You can't judsre for ns. 
You're a frisky widow with your hands full. (He goes to- 
ward Mrs. Johnson, then turns to Grace.) F. Morley and 



6 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Company has a great deal of love for its wife, but a far- 
seeing love, and one which is looking out for its own future 
so as to take care of hers. 

Mrs. J. — Poof! You are mixing up your love of your 
business with your love for your wife. It's one for Grace 
to tiijo'ior Wall Street, /know. (Mrs. J. moves down to 
the angle of the table r. and takes a rose from a Vase there 
and puts it in her bodice.) 

Frank— It's my opinion you know a great many things 
you shouldn't, but this isn't one of them. 

-Mrs. J. — (With a curtsey.) Thank you. I know love 
when I see it ! 

Frank You ought to, by now! And many kinds! 

Mrs. J.— You brute! 

Grace— FRANK ! 
(Together.) (All laugh.) 

Frank — What charming friends are we so unlucky as to 
be seeing this afternoon. (He moves up toiuards the bal- 
C071V at back, then moving dozvn again remains above table E.) 

Grace — Professor and Mrs. Chardly. 

Frank — O, the English people. The old man with the 
giddy wife. 

Grace — He's very clever and she's considered most amus- 
ing. 

Frank — Ahem! Who else? (Moves towards Grace by 
table L.) 

Grace — Mr. and Mrs. Bowler. 

Frank — Another precious couple from Monte Carlo. What 
a job lot of people we know here in Paris. 

Mrs. J. — By the way, the Chardly's are bringing a young 
Oxford boy along! 

Frank — More fish for your net!! 

Mrs. J.— I don't know! I lost that nice little Russian 
Duke with the funny beard to a child yesterday — Mile. Floret, 
n6t a day over twenty. There are holes in my net ! I shall 
do some mending to-day! 

Frank — (Behind wife, going to her.) Good-bye dear. 
(Puts his arm about her. She liHthdraws.) 

Grace — Where are you going? 

Frank — To the Club. Some letters. Good-bye. (Kissing 
her.) .(He moves up r. c.) (Boles entering r. announces 
Count Dindeau.) 

Trank— Ah! This little fish is still in the net! (Max 
passes by door r. and goes to Mrs. Johnson, shakes hands, 
then the same with Grace, who rises and then sits chair G. 
with her back to audience.) 

Max^ — Ah ! We is here ! 

Mrs. J.— So is We! (General greetings:^ 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 7 

Max — Voila! I have bring me your embroidery which 
you have me commanded for to call to the housel of Mrs. 
Bowler. _ (Max hands to Mrs. J. a package from zvhich a 
ball of silk has fallen duri)ig his movement towards Grace.) 

Frank — I believe you leave things around purposely just 
so as to furnish your little string of satellites with some- 
thing to do ! 

Max^ — Oh ! She is lovely to-day. 

Mrs. J. — Nonsense ! Maxey ! 

Max — Adored Madam? 

Mrs. J. — I'm very much obliged to you indeed, and now 
I've something else I want you to do for me at once please. 
(Mrs. Johnson rolls up the cord which has brought like a 
conducting thread Max near to Mrs. Johnson.) (Pres. Max 
gets entangled in cord he Jms dropped.) 

Max — But Madam Frisky, me, I am only just now ar- 
rived. Leave me the time for you to say some little words. 

Mrs. J. — No, no, Mr. Morley's just going and he'll give 
you a lift. (She moves up in front of table i.) 

FRANK^Certainly. (Mrs. J. moves up r. zvith Max.) 

Max — But why for 

Mrs. J. — I want you to get ten bags of paper confetti, 
three green, two pale blue, one mauve, one yellow, tv/o 
orange and three red. 

Max — Well, but that makes twelve. 

Mrs. J. — No, but must make it make ten somehow ! Come, 
hurry up! Maxey! 

Max— When you me calls Maxey, I was weak like the 
pudding. O! Mme. Frisky! How you are a jokist! And 
how you are one angel ! 

Frank — Not like that Dindeau ! Don't make love before 
everybody. 

Max— O yes ! Me ! I find that is much more ^afest. 
(Max takes leave of the ladies and prepares to follo.w Frank 
who has gained door r. and stands ready to go after .having 
lighted a cigarette during the preceding. Grace rises to say 
good-bye.) 

Mrs. J. — Maxey has pretty manners. 

Frank — Come on. 

Max — (To Frank.) Is it that she have said three green 
and two mauve, not? 

Frank Give it up! , 

Max — Me also! (Exeunt Frank and M.\x.) 

Grace— Poor Maxey! (Coming to fable i.) You hardly 
gave him chance to get his breath ! 

Mrs. J. — (Amoving down to before table i., l. q.) Don't 
pity him ! Little impecunious French Count, who smells my 
Western money bags — That's the matter with him. 



8 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

GRACE-^Still he makes a good little dog. 

Mrs. J. — (Takes Grace by the waist and crosses gently, 
talking.) I sent him away because I want to speak to you 
alone. 

Grace — Oh no! (Mrs. J. leads Grace to stool c. on which 
she seats herself. Mrs. J. moves the arm chair d. and seats 
herself facing her.) 

Mrs. J.— Oh, yes ! You're expecting Bertie Heathcote again 
to-day. 

Grace — Of course. 

Mrs. J.— And is that still to go on? 

Grace — No, it's to keep itself just where it is. 

Mrs. J. — It's wrong, and it's dangerous, dear girl ! Oh ; 
how foolish you are ! 

Grace — You're a nice one to talk to me. 

Mrs. J. — Oh, I'm a widow, and we have our rules; besides 
we always play the game fair. 

Grace — I'm tired of being left alone by Frank, I like to 
be amused, and I like to be admired. 

Mrs. J. — Of course you do! But it doesn't follow you 
have to let every numskull that comes along fall in love 
with you. 

Grace — You do! 

Mrs. J. — I tell you I'rn a widow. My husband's dead al- 
ready ! . Yours isn't yet ! Besides I know what all this calf 
love amounts to! T wouldn't make a fool of myself by 
returning it. (Pause.) YOU do! (Second pause.) Grace, 
do you love this Heathcote man ? 

Grace — I don't know. 

Mrs. J. — If you don't, who does? (Pause.) Oh! I won't 
waste time talking to you. Do yo uknow you're risking 
something I've never thrown away? 

Grace — What ? 

Mrs. J. — My reputation. 

Grace — Why! You'de awfully talked about and have been 
for years. 

Mrs. J. — As rather gay perhaps, I have been awfully 
foolish and suppose I shall go on being, but I'm a good 
woman and you know that don't you ? 

Grace — Yes. I do, though everyone doesn't think so. 

Mrs. J. — Never mind that now. Your Frank is a man 
worth loving. 

Grace — You didn't love your husband. 

Mrs. J. — Darling! Think what a marriage I made. I was 
too young to know real love when I came across it? You 
know what sort of a man Charlie Johnson turned out. Ran 
away in twelve months with a woman who had trained birds 
at a music hall! T supposed she tried her methods on my 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 9 

bird, for he came back to me shortly with hardly a feather 
left and died. That's my cynical history. And it's left me 
without a heart. 

Grace — You're lucky. 

Mrs. J. — Nonsense ! Listen ! I've tried to be a good' sister 
to you. 

Grace — Dear Nellie. You've been the best sister in the 
world; and father and mother beside. 

Mrs. J.— I promised myself to do my best that day years 
ago, you and I came home from the little church yard at' 
Canton so awfully alone. (Choking ufy.) (Grace goes he- 
side her chair and kisses her.) Throw over this Heathcote 
Grace, it's all he's good for. 

Grace — I like him. 

Mrs. J.— How can you, he's absurd ! 

Grace — He amuses me — he entertains me. Other women 
have devoted admirers — you have Hventy. why shouldn't / 
have one. 

Mrs. J.— Other women don't count — most of 'em haven't 
anything to lose, you have. 

Grace — He loves me. 

Mrs. J. — Grace, do you honestly believe that when a man 
tells you. 

Grace — Lord Heathcote is a gentleman. {She passes be- 
hind Mrs. J. Tc^ble.) 

Mrs. J. — He is evidently willing to compromise you I'm 
afraid we don't agree on the definition of the word — gentle- 
man. 

Grace— (Tim id /_v.) You didn't know perhaps he's de- 
.scended from Cardinal Wolsey. 

Mrs. J. — What an awful tumble from Cardinal Wolsey 
to that! 

Grace — {Coming doimi to c.) I resent your speaking of 
my friend as you do. 

Mrs. J. — I don't care. You can resent all you like, I'm 
going to save a scandal if I can and I'm not the only one 
capable of getting on to things in this house. 

Grace — Do you mean that Frank — {Takes her hand.) 

Mrs. J. — F. Morley & Co.? O dear No. He wouldn't be 
likely to see you fall unless you were bn the stock market ! 
But — there's another pair of eyes in the house now ! 

Grace — My brother-in-law? 

Mrs. J. — Exactly, the Globe Trotter, he's very wide awake. 

Grace — Nell! You don't think ? 

Mrs. J. — Not yet, but he's looking for trouble, I believe. 
Can you face a scandal Grace dear? 

Grace No! Nof 



lo THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Mrs. J. — Good. Then brace up. Throw Cardinal Wolsey's 
little grand nephew down. {Sits on chair F.) 

Grace — It isn't easy ! How can I ? He's been awfully 
kind, and I've — Nell, I've been very foolish. No, no, I 
can't, I daren't. 

Mrs. J. — Are there any letters? 

Grace— Yes. 

Mrs. J. — That Frank mustn't see? 

Grace — I'd rather die than he saw them. (Moving atvay 
to table I.) 

Mrs. J. — (Rising.) You little fool! (Going to Grace.) 
Oh, it takes these young married women to make real ex- 
hibitions of themselves ! You don't catch us zvidozvs writing 
letters. Why, even a " no sig " telegram isn't safe any more. 

Ga^ACE — Nell, I wanted to make Frank jealous, so he'd 
stay home with me more, and go out with me. But he never 
even noticed. That made me angry, somehow, and I — I went 
on like a fool ! Bertie Heathcote did seem to adore me, and 
I liked to be adored. Don't ask m.e any more questions only 
get me out of this — get me out of it without a scandal, for 
God's sake. (A pause.) (Left of stage.) 

Mrs. J. — I'll do my best dear. I'm not a Hfe preserver bv 
birth, but I'll do my best. (Mrs. J. moves above Grace.)- • 
(Boi.ES enters door r. and announces Lord Heathcote.) (On 
this Mrs. J. makes a slight movement as of departure.) '"> 

Boles — Lord Heathcote. ' - 

Grace— (To Mrs. T.) Don't go. (Grace holds Mrs. J. 
by the hand and crosses her to r. c. to meet Bertie.) 

Bertiei — (Enters door r., saying.) Ah! (Very gaily.) 
(Sees Mrs. J. and adds.) Oh!! (In a disappointed tor.c.} 
(Bertie rnoves down beiween the tzvo tables b. and e and 
shakes Grace's hand.) (Mrs. J. has creased above centre E.) 
(Bertie turns to her sayiig.) Good mornine. 

Mrs. J. — Good morning, good morning, Bertie. 

Bertie — Now really, Bertie, I've never given you the right, 
I don't like vour taking that liberty with me. 

Mrs. J.— O very well ! I beg ten thousand pardons Lord 
Albert Edward Heathcote. Good morning (shakes hands). 
You little lord. I'll call you Bertie if I want to. 

Grace — Stop quarrelling and sit down; (Bertie moves k. 
seeking his armchair, then goes up between Wall and table b.. 
dozvn again bctzvccn the fzvn tables b. and E. and scats him- 
self in armchair d. right of the rev.trc Jahlc. Mrs. J. ha.<: 
moved dozvn above the table beside Gra.ce.) 

Bertie— I say, where's my armchair? 

Q^AC-E— (Laughing.) Oh, it's on the balcony, at the corner 
window with other chairs. We shall have to install our.selves 
there presently to see the procession. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON ii 

Bertie — Oh, very good, then this will do for the present. 
(Sits D.) 

Me.s. J. — You are a spoiled darling. 

Bertie — (Rather pleased.) Nonsense! You're joking 
again. (To Grace.) Make her stop! 

Grace I .can't! (Sitting on c.) She treats me the same 
way. It was good of you to come early. 

Bertie — The early bird; Quack! (Lifting his elbows up 
and dozifn.) 

_ Mrs. J. — (Smiling.) What a pretty compliment. T be- 
lieve worm that you have something to say to Lord Heath- 
oote. 

Bertie — Mrs. MorJey and I are never at a loss for agree- 
able topics of conversation. 

Mrs. J.— Then this is where I make myself scarce. 

Bertie — Tact! (He rises and moves a little r.) (Grace 
rises.) 

Mrs. J. — (To him.) Good-bye! (She m-oves torvards 
door L., followed by Grace to whom she speaks in a lozv 
tone.) I will give you a quarter of an hour to break it 
off. and mind you do it. Good-bye Bertie. 

Bertie— Good-bye Nellie. (E.rits Mrs. J.) 

Bertie — I thought she didn't like me ! But here she is 
playing right in our hands. 

Grace — Bertie. (She goes to l. side of table e. ) 

Bertie What's up? (He returns and moves armchair d.) 

Grace — Something very serious. 

Bertie— O, Little Tots is ill. (Sits.) 

Grace— No. the dog is all right thanks. (Sits chair F.) 
The serious thing is that our — that we — well it's got to stop, 
here, now. 

Bertie — I say, you're joking. 

Grace — It's nothing to joke about. It's very simple, but 
I'm in earnest. 

Bertie — Don't vou like me any more? 

Grace— Oh ! Yes. 

Bertie— Well then?— Don't be silly? 

Grace — You don't realize do you how serious all this is? 

Bertie — Well rather ! I love you Grace. 

Grace — No you don't and I don't love you — but we've 

played a wicked game with fire, and Why, Nell, thinking 

it only a flirtation is angry. If she knew the truth I 

Bertie— (Interrupting.) O, what's the matter? Has 
Morley been putting his nose into our business? 

Grace — Let's not speak of my husband please. 

Bertie — Look here Grace, you don't know what you're 
talking about. I may be all sorts of a fool, but a fool has 
a heart if he hasn't brains, and any way I love you ; yes I 



13 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

do really love you a heap. I don't know why I love you, 
but I do! I say Grace old girl, you know you can't throw 
me over all of a sudden like this. (Rising and going to fire- 
place before Grace, his hands in his pockets.) Why I've 
given up all my bad habits for you ! I have really. Ask 
the girls. (Quickly.)— er — I mean ask the boys. I've made 
great sacrifices, I have really! I never devoted myself to 
only one woman before. It's meant giving up a great deal 
to me and it — you — well — I must own I feel it very hard 
lines. 

Grace — But it was all wrong. We were drifting in a 
false direction. 

Bertie — Still, it was jolly nice drifting. (He turns and 
moves toward her, moving over to her touches her.) 

Grace — Sit down, besides someone is watching us. 

Bertie — Who's the silly ass? 

Gr.\ce — Jim — my brother-in-law, who arrived on the .scene 
last week. Suppose he suspected something — suppose he told 
my husband. (He turns up stage behind table E.) It would 
kill me ! You don't know how true and strong a man my 
husband 

Bertie — -Yes, I do, because I am the same, too, and that's 
why I've protected you so. (He comes doivn to table e.") 
I love you Grace, I do really, and yet you must confess 
I've been most circumspect, haven't I? 

Grace — Yes 

Bertie — And now for my climax. (Sits on table e. ) I've 
taken a little flat! 

Grace — Have you ? 

Bertie — So you could come and have afternoon tea with 
me there. 

Grace — And do you think I'll ever put mv foot in your 
little flat? 

Bertie — You must now, I've taken it for a month and 
paid in advance. 

Grace — Ask some other foolish friend to tea. 

Bertie No Gr^LCt— (Get ting off of table.) You see you 
don't understand me. I love you really. I associated you 
now with this little home. I could never dream of loving 
another woman— not in that same flat! 

Grace — (Laughing.) Sub-let! (Rises and goes to table i.) 

Bertie — Don't. 

Grace — Where is this little flat? 

Bertie — 36 rue de Preeoy. 

Grace — Hah ! really ! You've chosen next door to my sis- 
ter, Mrs. Johnson's. 

Bertie — I say; that's one on me! But why do you change 
like this? You did care for me, I know you did. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 13 

Grace — I was lonely, you amused me! I wanted attention 
— you gave it to me. 1 wanted to make my husband jealous, 
you were useful. Do you call that love Bertie? 

Bertie Yes, sort of. Better than nothing — go on, keep 
it up. 

Grace — No, it's over. 

Bertie — Don't say that — you make me suffer, you do really. 

Grace — ^I'm sorry — (Sit.) 

Bertie — Well, you don't show it. You propose breaking 
off with me after having made me your abject slave. It 
will ruin my life, it will really Grace, it will ruin it for 
ivecks. 

Grace — But if I must. 

Bertie — You mustn't. {Encircle chair f.) Your reason 
won't hold water — {Encircle again.) I haven't corhpro- 
mised you, and I won't and so I refuse to accept your dis- 
missal. {Encircle a third time.) You know you'd miss me, 
you know you would awfully. 

Grace — And suppose I did. 

Bertie — If you insist on our separating, I'll suffer a great 
deal more than I'd show. I won't show you because I'd 
look silly — but I'll feel a jolly lot, I really will! (He moves 
a little R. Gr.\ce drazcs near him.) 

Grace— REALLY ? 

Bertie— REALLY. 

Grace — Bertie, that's sincere, is it? 

Bertie— GRACE ! 

Grace — I'm sorry — I'm doing wrong to everyone. 

Bertie — I say. The conversation we've just had hasn't 
taken place! eh? All that rot is done for! completely done 
for. {He moves up to door ^.—and moves doum again con- 
tinuing.) I've just arrived; I'm entering your drawing- 
room. Good afternoon, charmer, how are you ? He kisses 
her hand and repeats the business of his entrance.) (Mrs. 
Johnson enters i... and surveys them zvith astonishment.) 
(Bertie c. — Grace — r. c. — Mrs. J., l. c.) 

Mrs. J. — Well, I never! {Comes dozvn bctivecn table i. 
and chair ¥.) 

Bertie — {Moves up to her.) Ah, there you are; you 
couldn't guess what Mrs. Morley has just been proposing 
to me. {He meets Mrs. J.) 

Mrs. J. — It looked as if you were doing the proposing. 
But I can guess. She's been suggesting you break off this 
ridiculous affair of yours. 

Bertie — " Ridiculous " ! 

Mrs. J. — I can use a much worse word if you want it. 

Bertie — {Cries out.) O! A light breaks through me. 



14 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Mrs. J. — Mercy! Your brain must be having regular iire- 
works ! 

Bertie — (Choking.) You put her up to it. 

Mrs. J. — Yes. 1 thought it was high time. 

Bertie — I object. 

Mrs. J. — Do you ? So do I, and so will Grace's husband 
if you both don't look out, and he'll object the strongest 
of the lot. 

Bertie — I haven't compromised your sister. 

Mrs. J. — Of course you haven't! That's not yotir fault 
so much as hers. 

Grace — (x Bertie to Mrs. J.) No you mustn't throw all 
the blame on him. Lord Heathcote cares sincerely for me 
Nell, and I've encouraged him and I'm as much to blame 
as he. 

Mrs. J. — Oh, that's how the land lies is it? 

Bertie My love for your sister is real and deep, it is 
really ! 

Mrs. J. — Not a bit like it. (She Xes. before Gr.'KCE and 
comes to corner of table E.) How can your love be real and 
deep when three times a week you turn up dressed to kill 
at No. 82 Rue Buonaparte? 

Bertie — I have a French aunt who lives there. 

Mrs. J. — You story teller! it's Mademoiselle Jennie Durot, 
Chorus damsel at the Olympia. 

Bertie — Yes I believe she do€S live there too. Auntie's 
on the first floor, Jennie on the second. 

Mrs. J. — Excuse me. No. 82 Rue Buonaparte is not let 
out in floors, it's a single house. 

Bertie — I say; you know the whole blooming place as 
well as the postman. {Left of table.) 

Grace — (Going to upper corner of table e.) Why didn't 
you tell me? 

Mrs. J. — I hoped it wouldn't be necessary to go into such 
a detail. 

Bertie — It's very simple. I've composed a little musical 
play and I've been attending some rehearsals. We are go- 
ing to play it at the Volney Club next week. 

Mrs. J. — What do you call the Operetta? 

Bertie — Susie Rot. 

Mrs. J. — O ! Charming name ! 

Grace — Bertie 

Bertie— Really, anyway, supposing there is something go- 
ing on between Mrs. Morley and me, we're only following 
her sister's example. 

Mrs. J. — No, that won't work. I play with my own 
stakes, but Grace is playing with her husband's honour and 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 15 

happiness. (Turning to Grace who joins them.) And she 
can't lose. 

Bertie — Still, if we 'choose to gamble, after all I don't 
want to be rude, but where do you come in? 

Mrs. J. — Where do I come in? At "the finish". I hope; 
in fact I've made up my mind to that ! (She Xes. in front 
of Grace and moves towards Bertie.) (He backs round 
to back of table between it and chair.) 

Bertie — O, much obliged! (Goes behind table around to 
c. opposite Grace.) Then it's settled is it? (To Grace.) 
I'm to be off? 

Grace — Yes, please. 

Mrs. J. — For goodness sake leave out the " please " ! 
(Moves to table b.) 

Bertie — It bores me awfully, it does really to find you 
so weak. 

Mrs. J. — Well, it's all come to a happy end now, and to- 
morrow he's going to — Italy. (She moves up.) (To 
Bertie.) Good-bye! 

Bertie — Wait a minute, do. (Above table e.) You insist 
on Italy? -, 

Mrs. J.— No , j, i,,i 

Bertie — That's a good thing. I went to Italy the last time. 

Grace — O really! It's not a new experience for you then! 
(Crossing to beside table i. and facing Bertie.) 

Mrs. J. — -New ! for that young man. Bertie confess how 
many times you got left in affairs of . the heart ? 

Bertie — I refuse to answer — you don't understand me. 
I am very sensitive and this is the real thing. (Goes up to c.) 

Mrs. J. — Well good-bye and a pleasant journey. 

Bertie — (Entrcaiingly.) Oh, but I say, the Carnival and 
the procession. (Moves up.) I want to see it. 

Mrs. J. — Possibly it passes the street where Mile. Durot 
lives. (She moves up a little crossing to Bertie.) Watch 
it from one of Auntie's windows ! 

Bertie — Oh, come, I'm off. (He docs not stir; he re- 
peats the phrase after having made a movement of departure. 
then says again to Grace "I'm off.") This is a lame sort 
of smash up! No excitement, no row. Nice sort oi-^(Dur- 
ing the moves down to screen.) After all I love you Grace, 
I do really! And I don't care who hears it! (Over screen.) 
(Mrs. J. foUozvs his movement and arri-i'es at the table s. 
Bertie has left his gloves on the table. She fakes afid,y,kides 
them behind her back.) ., ! ;...||/ 

Mrs. J. — Grace and T both nromise to miss you.:--- , ^ 

Bertie — Grace good-bye. (Jle moves to her.) 

Grace Good-bye Bertie. 



i6 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Bertie — Good-bye. {He a'osscs to Mrs. J. and )ioticcs 
the gloves which she holds extended foTvards him.) 

Mrs. J. — Your gloves. {She hands them to him and f>i esses 
electric button by door upper entrance R.) 

Bertie — Are they? O yes — thank you so much. 

Mrs. J. — {Getting his cane.) If you had left them you'd 
have had to come back again for them, wouldn't you '' 

Bertie — Yes — rather a good idea, wasn't it! 

Mrs. J. — And so novel! {Give cane.) 

Bertie — Don't trouble. 

Mrs. J. — {Smiling.) O no trouble. It's a pleasure! 
{Giving him his hat.) (Mrs. J. up r. Bertie dotvn r.) 

(Jim comes in R. and shakes Mrs. Johnsox's hand then 
moves down right, crosses to Grace — He holds a half smoked 
cigarette.) . . 

Jim — Good-morning Nell. {Turns to Bertie.) Hello 
Lord Bertie. {Moves up between table e. and sofa n.) I 
hope I am not driving you away. 

Bertie Oh no — no — not you — no 

Mrs. J. — {To Bertie.) You're sure? Don't let him. 

Bertie — No, I must be going— I only happened in by — 
mistake! {Bows to the ladies.) 

Jim — {To Bertie.) Too bad. you won't see the procession 
with us. 

Bertie — Yes. I have a subsequent engagement for some 
other windows. {Exit Bertie r. Jim accompanying him to 
thethreshold.) Good-bye. 

Mrs. J. — {Crossing to Grace.) There Grace it is all over. 
You see it wasn't so very bad after all. 

Grace — O you dear old Nell. {She kisses her.) 

Jim — {Moves down again.) What's all this celebration? 
Your birthday? {Come dozvn r. of table. To Mrs. J.) 
(Jim moves down between the two tables b. and e.) 

Mrs. J. — Good heavens, no ! I had one last year.. How 
many birthdays do you want me to have' C Boles enters i..) 

Boles — The iced fruits and champagne are here, madam. 

Grace— Have luncheon in the billiard room. I'll come. 
{She exits l., Boles exits R.) 

Jim— {Crosses stage to fire-place l. and throws in his 
cigarette.) Funny thing about that Lord Bertie Heathcote. 

Mrs. J.— What? 

Jim — O, I don't know only the less you see him the better 
you like him! 

Mrs. J. — Oh, you don't like anybody. 

Jim — Oh I don't know {Joking.) I like myself. 

Mrs. J.— But that's nobody! 

Jim — {Turns and speaks looking towards fireplace.) True 
— and I like you. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 17 

Mrs. J. — (Laughing.) Me! The world's coming to a nend ! 
(She moves chair f. beside table E. with Its hack to the table 
and leans against the back of the chair.) Dear Jim, yon aren'^ 
zvell! What's the matter? 

Jim — No, I do like yon sometimes. (Turns facing her.) 
When yon behave yonrself! (She laugiis.) Ifowever, the 
tronble with me is T feel lopt, I've been travelling so long 
I'm not at ease yet keeping still. 

Mrs. J. — How I shonld like to travel like yon. 

Jim — Yon can, yon're free, and yon have my permission. 

Mrs. J. — It's no fnn for a woman trotting aronnd by 
herself. 

Jim — Take along yonr string of yonng men. 

Mrs. J. — No, I have enongh excess baggage. Have yon 
been far away this time? 

J/m — To Ceylon. 

Mrs; J. — Is it amnsing there? 

Jim — -You can get tea there. 

Mrs. J.— Only tea? And besides Ceylon? 

Jim — O, I visited Singapore. 

Mrs. J.^Interesting? 

Jim — There was rice. 

Mrs. J. — Apparently yon find my questions very stupid. 

Jim— Why? 

Mrs. J. — Because your answers are ! It's _ fnnhy. (She 
moves tozvard him.) Men who have anything intelligent 
to say won't say it. It's only the little idiots who chatter. 
(Takes up an ornament on table i.) 

Jim — It's up to me then? 

Mrs. J. — (Puts doum ornament.) It's up to yon! (She 
seats herself in the left corner of sofa h. Jim takes a seat 
ill armchair g. back to audience.) 

Jim — Let's chatter. 

Mrs. J. — Why are yon such an idler? Why don't you di> 
something? 

Jim— O, my brother does so much. 

Mrs. J. — Why haven't you ever married? 

Jim — Would you? I mean, would yon if yon were T? 

Mrs. J. — Oh, I'm prejudiced! T fizzled! But that's no rea- 
son why you shouldn't have a go at it. 

JlM-^I should want my wife to love me and only me for 
ever, but when I try to imagine myself the hero of such a 
( sintinuous performance, I confess I am stumped. 

Mrs. J. — You aim too high. 

JiM-^No, no,! (Sits on sofa beside her. .9he R. He l.) 
No ! The whole thing is based on collossal vanity. A man 
says to himself T marry a woman and from to-day on no 
other man save myself is to exist for her. I am all ; the 



i8 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

others nothing. / will render temptation impossible for her. 
She has tnc that's enongh. I am handsome, generous. I am 
it. Well, when I try to say all that the very first word sticks 
in my throat. 

Mrs. J. — Don't be an idiot. Men don't say that— a good 
many think it, but none of 'em acknowledge it. 

Jim — And the women ! They marry any old thing they 
like — and change their minds and their husbands as often 
as they like. No thank you! (Rising boivs.) (He crosses 
the stage to table b. and gets a cigarette out of a box there.) 

Mrs. J. — Don't thank me! I don't want to try you! 

Jim — You don't know what you mayn't come to! (He 
moves up to balcony between b. and e. and points toward the 
window.) (Laughs and Shouts.) 

Mrs. J.— What an awful thought. 

Jim — There you have it. Marriage is like the street to-day. 
Each one wears a mask and tries to deceive the other. 

Mrs. J. — What a beastly cynic you are. 

Jim — Not a bit. How many happy marriages do you 
know? Hozv many honest f {He comes dozwi to angle of 
table E. centre above if.) Look at your friends who are 
aoming to-night. The Chardleys, she's bored with her old 
husband and flirting behind his back with anything that 
comes along, even crumbs that fall from your table'! 

Mrs. J. — ^Thanks. (Smiling.) 

Jim— And the Bowlers. Nice people ! — Have to live over 
here, — ^cut dead in their own country, because she forgot to 
marry her first husband. 

Mrs. J. — And wishes now she'd been careful and not 
married her second. (She rises and Xcs. Jim leans on 
chair a Right of table e. The two separated by the table — 
she below chair f.) 

Jim — Of course, there's my brother and Grace. 

Mrs. J. — I hope you exclude them from your biting re- 
marks. 

Jim — I exclude no one. I am looking at the passersby 
and I'm amused at the masks. Thank God there are none 
in our family. 

Mrs. J. — -Why so serious about it? 

Jim — I feel 9o ! If I were to find a mask in my own 
house, no matter how dear a face it covered — I would tear 
it off. 

Mrs. J. — At any cost? 

Jim — At any cost. 

Mrs. J. — But Mr. Jim you seem to have a rather bad opin- 
ion of women. 

Jim — Not all. 

Mrs. J. — Then there are some whom you really condescend 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 19 

to place above the others? (Shcs goes to R. corner of table 

E.) 

Jim— Yes. Those to whom I give my confidence. (He 
comes doivn to the right corner of E. while saying this.) 
(Enter Max r.) 

Max — Here it are! ze confetti! (Max is laden with ten 
packets of confetti, confetti covers his coat, his hat, the end 
of his cane. He disposes his bags on an arm chair b. a 
little above the table b. Jim has moved up centre. Mrs. J. 
Xes to angle of table R.) How do you do? 

Jim — How do you do, Mr. Flirt? 

Mrs. J. — You are not going? 

Jim — Not if you ask me to stay. 

Mrs. J. — Don't stay on my account. 

JiM^Then I'll stay for spite. 

Max — I have chosen all which are zfe most prettiest and 
ze most roundest. 

Jim — (Going up to balcony.) Are we going to throw con- 
fetti? How gay! (Se moves up to r. c.) 

Mrs. J. — But what about the Serpents. Did you bring 
the serpertine ! Oh ; don't tell me you've forgotten the ser- 
pents. 

Max — You have never demanded for some that. 

Mrs. J. — Why I even chose the colors. 

Max— You did? 

Mrs. J. — You forgot them didn't you? 

Max — Oh yes, it was a forgetfulness. 

Mrs. J. — You must go right back after them. 

Max — Oh, yes, I will go me again. (Go up.) 

Mrs. — That's a good boy and be quick, very quick. (Goes 
to L. of table e.) 

Max — (to Jim.) She have never say one single word 
about serpents. But she is so (He exits R. — Jim moves 
dozvn between table e. and sofa h.) 

Jim — Do you answer that description? 

Mrs. J. — Poor boy, so good-hearted — and no brains. 

Jim — You're a wonder! 

Mrs. J. — Max means well. 

Jim — Do you pay him a salary? (By table i.) 

Mrs. ^.— (Goes nearer him.) Yes, every month I say 
" no " to him. 

Jim — They keep you as busy as you keep them. Mr. Max 
No. I ! Bertie Heathcote No. 2, and he was evidently very 
much put out just now. 

Mrs. J.— That's just what he was. (Smiling.) Put out! 

Jim — Heathcote No. 2 — who is number three? 

Mrs. J. — How would you like the position? 

Jim— No thanks; I don't care for the salary! I think I'll 



20 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

remain among your friends! There ought to be fewer of 
them. 

Mrs. J. — Friendship! You have the field alone. (Boles 
K.; announces Mr. and Mrs. Chardly.) (Mr. Lal Birken- 

READ.) 

Jim — Already ! 

Mrs. J. — (Going up c.) Boles, tell Mrs. Morley, she's in 
tlie billiard room. 

Boles — Yes madam. (He shows in Chardly, Mrs. 
Chardly, Lal.) 

Mrs. J. — Good morning Mr. Chardly, my sister will be 
here in a moment. 

Chardly— Good morning, MRS. JOHNSON. (ALL arc 
standing. Chardly presents Lal Birkenread, who has en- 
tered with him, to Mrs. J.) (Chardly moves down between 
tabic B. and chmr d. shakes Jim's hand, crossing between 
table and Jim, to l. Mrs. Chardly following her husband, 
shakes hands with Mrs. Johnson and Xes. to Jim r. with 
whom she shakes hands vigorously.) 

Jim — (To Mrs. Chardly.) I was so sorry I couldn't 
come to tea with you tete-a-tete yesterday in answer to your 
kind note, but (interrupted.) 

Mrs. C — Sh! Sh ! (Aside to him.) You know my hus- 
band doesn't know I asked you. He's a brute of jealousy. 

Jim— Oh, is he? 

Chardly — (To Jim.) (Mrs. J. and Lal come doivn c. — 
Mrs. J. L. — Lal r.) You must let me present you my 
young friend, Mr. Lal Birkenread, the son of an old school 
fellow of mine. Mr. Morley, Mr. Birkenread. 

Jim — I'm delighted I'rn sure. Seeing Paris? 

Lal — (Who is a bumptious young man.) O, I don't know, 
I'm just flappin" round and lettin' Paris see me! What! 

Mrs. C. — Isn't he charming. (Chardly and Mrs. C. 
laugh.) 

Chardle — (Moves slightly toward c.) Mr. Birkenread is 
an Oxford man. 

Lal — Well rather! 

Mrs. C— Rather! 

Jim — 'What is Oxford doing while you're away? . i 

Lal — Well I've been makin' things rather hum there lately. 
(Mrs. C laughs.) (Mrs. C. Xes. to Lal.) 

Mrs. C; — (Comes forward and takes part in the conversa- 
tion after having during this been chatting tunth Mrs. J.) 
And Oxford decided you would like a little rest, so her loss 
is our gain! Isn't it Lal? (Xing to L.\l.) 

Lal — Well rather. Paris seems a small place, but I'm 
told there's a lot goin' on. What — eli? What! 

}iM— (Aside to Mrs. J.) Want it? 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 21 

Mrs. J. — {Smiling, short and quick.) Nope. 

Mrs. C. — You're too young Lai ! I shall take you out 
with me to see the wax works. {Taking Lal to sofa.) 

Jim — {Sits on sofa.) Poor Lal! I see his finish! {Cross- 
ing to Chakdly c.) Charming woman your wife. (Lal goes 
A. sofa and leans over its back playing with Mrs. C.'s fan.) 

Chardly — Glad you think so, she usually repels men. She's 
so cold and shows her dislike of the masculine sex too 
strongly. 

Jim — Really! {Amused, looking at Lal and Mrs. C.J 
{During this Grace comes l. m'oves down between table 
centre e. and sofa H., shakes hands with Mrs. C, Lal, hav- 
ing moved up a little to the r. and crosses stage to Chardly 
r. c. Jim is R.) 

Grace — How do you do? I'm sorry I wasn't here. 

Chardly — And I hope we're to see Mr. Morley? (Jim 
moves up back l. looks out of window.) 

Grace) — I'm afraid not, business letters as usual claim ni} 
husband. 

Lal — Keep your eye on him, Mrs. Morley! You know us 
men. Those business letters are a good old bluff! What. 

Grace — I don't think you can know my husband. (Bole.s 
announces Mr. and Mrs. Bowler.) {Everybody nnmnmu 
Ah ) (Chardly moves up back center, half rises to re- 
join Jim.) 

Chardly — You've met Bowler? 

Jim — Once, in London. 

Chardly — You know Mrs. Bowler? 

Jim — By reputation, or perhaps I should say by lack of it. 

Chardly — I put her in the chameleon class. You know I 
classify all women. 

Jim — No, do you really? How clever of you. (Grace has 
been to meet the Bowlers. Bowler enters, shakes hands with 
Jim. Grace going off a minute returns with Mrs. Bqwler, 
zcho moves dozvn tT> L. and greets Mrs. Chardly by fireplace.) 

Bowler {to Jiu) — Glad to see you again. Allow me to 
present you to my wife. {Taking Jim to his wife.) Mr. 
Morley, your hostess' brother-in-law, my dear. ( Mrs. Bow- 
ler bows, Grace goes to Chardly up back c.) 

Mrs. J. — That is our " Globe Trotter " you've heard us talk 
so much about. 

Mrs. B.— Oh, yes. How interesting; and what is the result 
of all your travels? 

Grace {Points to stereoscope) — The result is in there. 

Jim {Laughing) — Yes, 1732 snapshots. 

Mrs. J. — So we don't have to be bored with anecdotes, we 
can each go and look at the pictures by ourselves in, silent, 
misery. {She moves betzvecii tabic E. and sofa u., passes 



22 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

above table e. to corner of_ fable b. on zvhich arc placed the 
albums of views.) (Jim silent.) 

Mrs. B. — I must really see them. (Goes up to stereoscope, 
seats herself k. in front of stereoscope with Grace.) 

Mrs. J. (To Bowler) — And here are others collected in 
this album. (She points it out to Chardley on table b. by 
zi'hich she is standing. Bowler joins her and they look at 
pictures.) (Lal and Mrs. Chardly on sofa h.,'Chardly 
joins Jim.) 

Jim— So. Mr. Chardly, you classify all women? You must 
be a great judge. 

Chardly — They are an open book to me. 

Jim — Even your own wife? 

Mrs. B. (Who is looking through the stereoscope, screams 
— O!) (ALL look up, except Lal and Mrs. Chardly.) 

Mrs. J. ^-What's the matter F (She and Bowler join them 
at the stereoscope.) 

Mrs. B. — No, really; you ought to expurgate some of these 
pictures. 

Jim — What's that one? 

Mrs. B. — I won't tell you. 

Mrs. J. — Let tne see. (Looking.) Oh, those are only 
native dancers. 

Jim — Yes, Zanzibar. 

Mrs. B. (Looking again) — But their — their 

Mrs. J. — Y'ou can't expect them to wear Paris clothes. 

Mrs. B. — No, but I expect them to wear some. 

Bowler — Let me see. 

Mrs. J.^They are wearing the latest thing in Zanzibar. 
A bead dog collar around their waist, an ostrich feather over- 
skirt. 

Mrs. B. — Well, I hope they had a warmer summer than we 
we had. (5"/^ lets Bowler look, and joins Mrs. J., speaks 
together.) (All laugh.) , 

Jim (To Chardlyq — Even your wife is an open book to 
you? (Lal is talking amorously to Mrs. Chardly. Flirting 
business. She tells his hand. Chardly turns his back to 
them.) 

Chardly — Oh, yes, particularly my own, and she's not easy 
to read either. She is ice — one of those cold-blooded women 
who hate men and who care only for intellectual enjoyment. 

Jim — Really! Young what's-his-name seems to interest 
her. (Mrs. Johnson laughs up at back and looks into the 
stereoscope.) 

Chardly — Yes? — just now, fairly well. Brains — from Ox- 
ford, you know ; they are doubtless discussing the dead 
languages. (Lal kisses Mrs. C.'s hand.) 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 23 

Jim— Well, if this keeps on they'll revive them. (Grace 
L. Bowler and Mrs. Bowler go out into balcony.) 

Mrs. B.— Come along or we'll miss the procession. 

Lal (Aside to Mrs. Chardly) — Do. you think you could 
get ofif to-night, and go to a theatre with me and to supper 
afterwards? 

Mrs. C. {Aside to him) — I think you're a very bad, bold 
boy. 

Lal — But, will you? 

Mrs. C. — I will do my best, but stop talking, and look 
bored, I think we're being watched. {They sit silent.) 
(Mrs. J. goes out into Balcony.) 

Jim — And Mrs. Johnson, what class does she belong to? 

Chardly— The Frisky Mrs. Johnson? That's to be seen at 
a glance. A widow who amuses herself, but won't mrary 
again. 

Jim — No? 

Chardly — No. Wants to keep her independence. {He 
moves up, his movement interrupting Lal and Mrs. Chardly. 
Lal is again kissing Mrs. Chardly's hands.) 

Jim {Turning his back.) — That fellow's an ass. (Mrs. 
Chardly has risen and tried to hide hAh's movement, moves 
away from him and joins Jim. Movement among others.) 

Mrs. C. — I was just telling Mr. Birkenread that your 
pictures were charming. Will you drive with me to-morrow? 

Jim — :To-morrow? So sorry, but I have an engagement 
at 4 p. M. {Interrupting.) 

Mrs. C. — Beast ! I believe you are a woman hater. I 
leave the door open for you, but you shut it and go on as if 
you thought it was left open by mistake. 

Jim — But. your husband tells me- {Interrupting.) 

Mrs. C. — My husband, unfortunately, is a bat. (Bowler 
and Mrs. J. appear on balcony.) 

Chardly — I hear the procession. (Lal goes to mantel. 
Grace comes down from balcony as Bowler speaks. Mrs. B. 
follows in.) , , , ; 

Grace — You ought all to come out on the balcony. {Go- 
ing to table B. for opera glasses.) 

Mrs. B.— Yes, the street's crowded now with masks. 
{Comes dozvn u to table i.) , 

Jim {To Grace. He has moved up and finds himself L. of 
Grace, zvho has crossed to him bctivecn table b. and e.) I 
say, little sister, I think Frank's going to give you a surprise 
by coming back. 

Grace- — I wish he would, but I'm afraid he won't. 
(Chardly goes to balcony. Mrs. B. sits in r. end of sofa 
H.) {To her guests.) Come along, everybody. Come along 
Jim. {Exits back, also Jim exits.) (Bowler is on the bal- 



34 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

cony and disappears l. Lal, Mrs. Bowler and Mrs. Chardlv 
are left.) 

Mrs. C. — Aren't you going dut? (To Mrs. B.) 

Mrs. B. — No, 1 like a change. 

Mrs. C. (Sits by chair f.) (Sits on f.) 

Lal — Say, who is the blonde? {Sits on arm of chair c. > 

Mrs. B. — She's the Frisky Mrs. Johnson. * 

Lal — Yes, but I mean? 

Mrs. B. — She's an American. 

Lal — Well, rather — and is she a widow ? What ? 

Mrs. C. — Yes, here, and when she's home, too. She comes 
from Ohyho — what's the place, it has something to do with 
fur, I always remember it. Chinchinnatus, Ohyho. 

Lal— Ohio— dearest— not OHYHO. 

Mrs. C— Oh, is it? It's so hard to remember these dear 
American names. Oh, this boy knows everything. 

Mrs. B. — No, I think I heard she came from that other 
town where those other Americans come from, don't you 
know? Milwackie. 

Mrs. C — Study vour Atlas, my dear, Milwackie isn't in 
Ohyho. 

Lal — It's in Minne-Something. Minnehaha — probably. 

Mrs. C. (Seated left of table e.) — No, I remember now 
it has to do with fruit. I, yes, Minnyapples. 

Lal— Is she rich ? What ? 

Mrs. C. — My dear, she has three breweries behind her. 

Lal — I say. (Rising.) What a pity to turn her back oji 
such a lovely view. 

Mrs. C. — Look here, you've shown quite enough interest in 
her now. 

Lal — The very thought of her makes me thirsty. (Goinf:^ 
to Mrs. C.) Isn't she a lively little gal? (Leaning over her 
chair.) 

Mrs. C. (To Mrs. B.) — She flirts with everybody who 
crosses her path. She's no friend for a peachblow young 
man like you. (Re-enter Jim from balcony.) 

Jim — They're asking for you people. 

Mrs. C. and Mrs. B. (Together) — Are they? Come along 
Lal. (Ail three start off up stage.) 

Mrs. B. — Aren't you going to join? (To Jim.) (Stops up 
c: to Jim.) (Tnf.) , 

Jim (7,-^) — I've a letter to write, but I'll be with you he- 
fore the procession. (All exit save ]iu and Lal. Jim is 
moving tozvard exit l. Lal returning from balcony, stops 
him mysteriously, and brings him dorvn L. part of table.) 

Lal — I say, old chap. (b. of Jim.) 

JiM — Well, young kid? 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 25 

Lal I've a jolly big thing to ask of you; what? (He 
falls back a little towards r.) 

Jim— Oh, you have? 

Lal — Well, you see you're a bachelor, and a jolly sight 
older and more experienced than I. 

Jim— Yes? 

Lal — So I just thought I'd flatter you a bit by asking your 
advice, what ? 

Jim — BUSINESS? {Coming toward c.) 

Lal — Business! Rot! Don't be a silly juggins. The 
Ladies! 

Jim — In love? 

Lal— Um? She is, vvith me. 

Jim — Well, can you blame her? 

Lal {Whirls round.) — Well, I do not know that I can. 

Jim — Married or single? 

Lal — Rot ! Of course she's married ; I'm only 19, what 
do you take me for? I' mnot going to do for myself any 
sooner than you. 

Jim (Lstraddles on chair f. Jim goes to behind table 
E. and leans on it. Lal turns his chair so as to face Jim.) — 
Well? 

Lal — I've asked her to the theatre and supper. 

Jim — And will she ? 

Lal — Maybe ; but I can't get anything definite out of her 
about anything. I want to get things on to the kissing 
stage. 

Jim — Oh, you're in a hurry? 

Lal— Yes, I want to gallop. You see, it will make a great 
story to tell the boys when I go back to the 'Varsity, and a 
flirtation with a married woman ! No schoolgirl — a regular 
tough old stager ! 

Jim — Ahem! {Coming around R. of table.) I'll tell yovi 
what to do, you ask Mr. Chardly; he's an authority on these 
things. 

Lal — Mr. Chardly — ■ — {Rising.) I can't! 

Jim — Why not? 

Lal — Oh — he's the last man I could ask, after all, we must 
be honorable, you know, but you mustn't press me, it would-: 
n't be honorable of me to say more. {Leans on table.) 

Jim— I see. Well, then, this is my advice. Drop it, or 
you'll get into trouble. {Cross him to go.) 

Lal {Catching his coat, stops him.) — But, I can't kick out 
now. {He approaches Jim.) 

Jim — You don't want to break up a happy home, do you? 

Lal — Rot! {Taking Jim's arm to Jim's amusement.) 
You talk like a bally gal. I'm not the first on the tapis. 

Jim — Oh, you're not? 



26 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Lal — Oh, no. She flirts with anybody. 

Jim (Getting rid of Lal's arm.) Say. how does it feel to 
be such an ass? 

Lal— What ? 

Jim — Nothing. 

Lal — I don't really care to hang about her you know. 

Jim (Satirically, amtised.)^lt's hard to believe you. you 
speak so nice of her. (Going.) 

Lal — Rot! it's sporty, that's all, jolly sporty. What? 
(Jim stops.) Say, tell me one thing, a cheap restaurant I can 
take her to; I'm not very up in funds. And do I have to 
get a cab, or will she use her own brougham? And— — 
(Interrupted.) 

Jim- — Listen! (Comes back to Lal l. c.) Don't you 
bother, you leave it all to her, if she knows her business, she'll 
get the cab and pay for the supper. (Looks over shoulder 
sees Mrs. Chardly.) (Mrs. Chardly appears door end 
entrance l. Jim indicates her zvith his eyes, while saying 
"She'll get the cab," and moves to go off l.) 

Mrs. C. — Why, Lal— we've been wondering what had be- 
come of you. 

Jim — It's my fault. Lal wanted a little help on a — matter 
of — well — he Wanted a little help from a man of the world. 

Mrs. C. (Right over to Jim.) — He went to the right 
quarter. 

Jim — You flatter me. 

Mrs. C. — I didn't mean to. 

Jim — I advised him to go to Mr. Chardly. (He goes off 
door L.) 

Mrs. C— You! 

L.\L — Isn't he a silly ass, what? 

Mrs. C. — I don't know. What have you and he been talk- 
ing about? Secrets from me already? Naughty! I think 
you'd better corrie out on the balcony. 

Lal — No, now we're left here alone, let's take the goods 
the gods give us and have a nice little cosy ,comfy, quiet chat. 
What? 

Mrs. C— Don't forget that the others will be continually 
going in and out of this room and that they can hear. on the 
balconvs. 

Lal — That's true. We must be very prudent. Sit there. 
And I will sit here. (He points to the R. corner of the_ sofa 
where Mrs. Chardly sits down. He moves to her right.) 
I love you. What? (He sits himself on divan f. at right of 
table I.) 

Mrs. C— H'sh! Mercy, if you're going to say such awful 
things you'd better sit nearer. (Mrs. Chardly yields her 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 27 

t>lace to Lal, ze.'ho crosses to sofa and sits on the r. arm. 
Mrs. C. sii'ks bark into corvcr l. of the sofa.) 

Lal — Yes, that's better. (He. leans towirds her.) I lo\'e 
you. (Fearfully.) 

Mrs. C— Lal, you're a wicked, foolish boy. 

Lal — Ain't I? (Slides down off of arm, near to her.) 
And you'll go out with me for a little lark to-night, won't 
you? 

Mrs. C. — Oh, not so energetic! Perhaps — if we can man- 
age it ; I'll try. 

Lal — That's a dear old gal! Do. (Mrs. Chardly rises, 
crosses before Lal. remains at the corner of the screen in 
order to notice during their talk zvhether anybody is near.) 

Mrs. C. (Gets up, look off stand right of table.) There's 
a party at the eVrnets and Mr. Chardly and I ought to put 
in an appearance, but if there was any way of getting out of 
it, you and I might run over and see the ballet at the 
Olympia. 

Lal — I say — what ! Wouldn't that , be great ! Can we ? 
What? (Lal lifts one knee to the sofa.) Can we? 

Mrs. C (Coming, dozvn to beside table i.) Well, of course, 
Lal, dear, Lm awfully stupid at this sort of thing, I'm no 
good at deception at all — and I've never done such a thing 
before in my life — but this is my plan. Mr. Chardly needn't 
go, Lal, I'll persuade him he's too tired — and then propose 
that you can take me — or, no — it'll be better for you to pro- 
pose it yourself, as if you didn't want to, but I'll take you up. 
Do you see? Of course, dear boy, I'm awfully stupid at this 
sort of thing. 

Lal — I think you're great! It's a go! What? 

Mrs. C. — Are you pleased? 

Lal (Smiling blandly.) — Yes. Of course you're a pretty 
old gal for me to be carrying on with like this, but I think 
you're a jolly little beggar, and a deuce of a sport; and, 
besides, you see, I feel safe with you. What? (Rising.) 

Mrs. C— You Saucy Boy ! how old do you suppose I am ? 

Lal (Going to her.) — Oh, you're as old as mother. 
(He tries to embrace her.) 

Mrs. C— Nonsense! If I'm so old as all that! (She frees 
herself and moves c.) 

Lal — I say, don't get snifty wth me. If you are as old 
as mother you don't look it — what? (Be follows her and 
tries to repeat his manoeuvre.) 

Mrs. C. — How old are you? 

Lal- — Nearly twenty. 

Mrs. C. — You behave so! (Lal tries to kiss her. She 
frees herself, angry at his audacity.) Stop it! I don't allow 
such behavior. 



28 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Lal (Fearfully. Moving away from her.)— I say, I am 
going it, ain't I? 

Mrs. C. (Fearfully.) — You're going it entirely too much for 
me, especially in a room practically full of people; I think 
Mr. Chardly had better go to the Vernets' with me after all. 

Lal — Oh, rot! (Sits on table e.) 

Mrs. C. — It's true. I want to go with a man, not with a 
baby. 

Lal (In great grief.) (Sits on table c.) — Oh, I say, I 
have no luck. I know I'm behaving like a booby, but it's 
only because I don't know — What? I think you're a tip- 
topper, and I only want to tell you so. (He is very em- 
barrassed and speaks with his eyes bent on the ground.) 
Look here, tell me how you want me to behave and promise 
me you'll let me go to the Vernets' with you, and I'll promise 
to behave myself, so help me, there! 

Mrs. C. (Patting his cheek.) — There, don't worry, Lally- 
kins, I'll forgive it. (She moves towards him very kindly, 
takes his cheeks in her two hands, so that when he next 
speaks they are squeezed between them.) 

Lal — And we'll go to the Vernets? 

Mrs. C. — Yes, and if you're a good boy, perhaps afterwards 
we'll go and have a little supper at Doree's. (Leaves his 
cheeks free.) 

Lal — Where's Doree's? 

Mrs. C. — It's a nice, retired little restaurant, with a Hunga" 
rian band, and where we can't nm across Mr. Chardly. Oh, 
what a lark, and Edmund knows the address. 

Lal — Edmund? 

Mrs. C. — Yes, the coachman I always have. Call up 
Maret's stables and tell them No. i8. 

Lal — Good; good! Restaurant Doree, Maret's stables- 
Coachman No. i8. (He writes down his instructions on his 
cuff.) I say, you're a brick! (Mrs. Johnson comes down 
quickly from balcony and remains above table e. toward c.) 

Mrs. J. — Hello, are you here? (They break azvay.) 

Mrs. C. — I just came to look for my opera glasses, so I 
can see across the street. (Lal looks everywhere.) 

Mrs. J. — Have you found them? 

Mrs. C. — Yes, yes, I have them. 

Lal — Yes. She has them. 

Mrs. J. — Hurry — there are such awfully pretty masks pass' 
ing along now. 

Mrs. C— Really? Coming, Lal? (Ooing up to balcony, 
followed by Mrs. J.) 

Lal — In a jiff. (Aside. Reads the address on his cuff.) 
What'll the boys think of this? (Mrs. Chardly and Lal go 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 29 

off at back r.) . (Mrs. J. looks over over the balcony left side^ 
then moves down again a little.) 

.Mrs. J.- — It was Bertie, I am sure of it. (Boles enters R.) 

Boles — Are yon at home, M'm? 

Mrs. J.— Who is it? 

Boles {Embarrassed.) — It's the gas man, Madam. 

Mrs. J. {Shrugging her shoulders.) — Show in Lord, Heath- 
cote. 

Boles — Very good, M'm. 

Mrs. J. — But say it is Mrs. Morley who is in the drawing- 
room. I 

Boles — But, M'm 

Mrs. J.— Do as I tell you. (Boles goes off same, door.) 
(Mrs. J. alone, half-amused.) This time, Mr. Bertie, we'll 
fight to a finish. {Moves down to fireplace and- has her back 
towards R.) (Bertie enters r.) \ • . 

Bertie — Ah, Grace! Now we may talk-. (Coming down to 
table e.) (Mrs. Johnson turns round and faces Bertie.) 
Oh, really! You are quite a Jack-in-the-box, aren't you? 
Always turning up. ., , 

Mrs. J. — I should say yoti were the one who is always 
popping up. 

Bertie — -I want to see her. Well, I've decided I won't 
break off like this with her. 

Mi?s. J.^Well, you won't see her. 

Beptie— ^W^on't I? She will have to go through this room 
one day or other. I'll wait. {He seats himself on the stool 

R.) 

Mrs. J. — What cheek! {Going to beside chair f.) And 
after our conversation which settled the matter. 

Bertie— Oh, dear, no; it didn't. I find I don't feel a bit 
like packing trunks. Please. Why do you meddle so in 
Grace's and my affairs? 

Mrs. J. — She's my sister and / love her, and you don't. 

Bertie — Olu don't I? Do you know what I believe? 
{Rising.) You're jealous. 

Mrs. J. {Astounded.) — "Jealous?" 

Bertie — I believe you're in love with me yourself. 

Mrs. J. — That's it. You have a great head. I've been 
doing affectionate somersaults after you all these weeks, 
and you wouldn't see me. 

Bertie — Oh, now you're joking me, I can see that. 

Mrs. J.— Your eyesight's improving. Try and je^ that you 
can't see Grace again. 

Bertie— No, I'm too blind to see that. Good-bye, for this 
time. {Going to between tables b. and e.) 

Mrs. J. — Good-bye for good. 



3fd THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

Bertie (Annoying.)—! can write. Good-bye. (He moves 
towards door r,) (Jim re-enters door l.) 

JiM-^I say, my dear fellow, you're always goin.g- out, aren't 
you ? 

Bertie— Yes, I never come in, but I'm always going out. 
It's a little fad of mine. Gooid-bye. (Exit Bertie r.) 

Jim (r. c.) — All going out and nothing coming in. He's 
an odd chap. (Comes doivii r. of table R.) 

Mrs. J. (L. c.)— He's a great bother. 

Jim— What is the matter with the little flirt, dissatisfied 
with his salary? 

Mrs. J. (Going toward him.) — Perhaps 

, Jim' (r. of table r.)— And have you discharged him now? 
Is that ,the trouble? Have you given him notice? 

Mrs. J. — If I discharged them all, my friends would still 
remain. (They look into each other's eyes a moment.) 

Jim — I understand I am all alone in that class? 

Mrs. J. — I'm satisfied — if you are — for the present. (She 
goes oif t.) 

Jim — Yes, yes. (Follows a step or two towards L.) 
(He watches her off. takes his cigarette holder from his 
waistcoat pocket and lights it from a match he gets on mantel, 
without noticing that it holds no cigarette.) She's A One. 
(He draws a few imaginary wliiffs, then becomes azvare of 
his abstraction.) (Frank enters r., and moves between tables 
B. and E. Sees Jim, notices his abstraction and approaches 
him.) 

Frank — What's the matter with you? 

Jim — With me? Nothing. They're all there on the bal- 
cony. I'm glad you decided to come back. 

Frank— I hope it will please Grace. (He moves nearer 
Jim.) 

Jim (Also moves toward Frank.) — I'm sure of it — when 
I told her, she practically said it was too good to be true. 

Frank — Oh, but why did you tell her? 

Jim — She didn't believe me, so I haven't spoiled your sur- 
prise. 

Frank — To tell the truth, Jim, I came back a little on your 
account. (He takes chair f.) (Jim seats himself corner of 
sofa H.) The fortnight you've been here we've hardly seen 
each other. I have heard none of your news. You might as 
well not be here. 

Jim — Shall I start off again to-night, then? 

Frank — You try! (Sits near him.) 

Jim — No, you and Grace have made me dissatisfied with my 
Qobe-trotting — I'm getting a sneaking desire for an open 
fire and slippers. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 31 

Frank — Good ! I say, Jim, in this complete circle of the 

world you've made, haven't you come across a single woman? 

Jim — Single women? Millions of 'em, white and black. 

Frank (Laughing) — Come off! You know what I mean. 

Jim {Seriously) — Frank, I have seen a woman 

Frank — I'm glad! 

Jim — Oh, I don't know — you mustn't take me too seriously 
— I've seen women before. It may be the efifect of the Carniy 
val. All I really am certain of is — I'm an old bachelor, and 
I've found my brother married to a dear little woman ; much 
obliged for my sister, Frank; I love Grace already, and you. 

Frank — You've got a choke in your voice — you mean more 
than you acknowledge. 

Jim — Perhaps 

Frank — I suppose you're not bursting to confide the name 
of the woman. (Noise and Confetti.) 

Jim — Not yet. I've seen her, but I don't know as she's 
seen me yet, to any extent. Come, we must join your guests. 
(He rises.) 

Frank — No. (Rises and replaces his chair.) I rnust chapge 
a little and freshen up. (He moves towards door L. - Q/n the 
threshold turns.) I say, jim! ' 

Jim — Yes? 

Frank — Don't be run off with. Of course, I don't know 
the lady, but — there are some pretty gay varieties, both home 
and foreign, in this part of the world. 

Jim — Get out! (Frank exits l. and Jim to terrace.) 
(Boles, preceding Page enters r. The Page is covered %oith 
confetti. They come center above table e.) 

Boles — This is your way, Mr. Page. 

Page — Thank you, Mr. Butler. 

Boles — You want to speak to Mrs. Morley? 

Page— Yes. 

Boles — And all by herself? 

Page — Yes. 

Boles — Ahem ! Who do you come from ? 

Page — That's none of your business. 

Boles — Here, none o' your impudence, whatever goes on 
in this house is my business. Besides, you don't seem _ to 
know the rules of etiquette between two gentlemen in service. 

Page— I've been told to keep my mouth shut. 

Boles — Not to me, to my gentleman probably. 

Page — Mr. Morley ain't here, is he? 

Boles — Oh, ain't he? 

Page — He's at his club. 

Boles — Oh, is he? 

Page— He was there at any rate, which is why I'm here 



it THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

now. But if I can't see Mrs. Morley, I'm off. (Frank enters 
L.) 

Frank— What is it? 

Page — Nothing, sir ; it's nothing. (He turns again as if tQ 
go oif.) 

Boles — It's a commission for Mrs. Morley, sir. 

Frank — Very well, tell her. {Comes down to table d.) 
(Boles exits l.) (Frank remains down l., the Page about 
iable center.) 

Page (Frightened, to himself.) — Good luck! 

Frank — (Going to table i. Down.) (Near fire.) Where 
do you come from? (All Frank's questions are most 
casual.) 

Page — The club, sir. (Going to betzveen tables e. and b., 
but above them.) 

Frank — What club? 
. Page — Anglo, sir. 

Frank — From whom? 

Page (Great embarrassment.) — From the gentleman who 
sends it, sir. 

Frank — Sends what? 

Page — The — er — the commission. 

Frank — What commission? 

Page (With difficulty.) — A commission for a charity bazaar, 
sir. 

Frank — Oh, lottery tickets, I suppose. 

Page — Yes, sir. 

pRAisfK — Very well, you can give them to me. 

Page — Yes, sir; yes, sir. (He feels slowly through his 
pockets.) 

Frank— Well ? 

Page — I don't know, sir, I can't think what I've done with 
'em, sir. (Grace enters l.) 

Grace — What is it? (Page moves down a little in order to 
get nearer Grace.) 

Page — Ah, here they are, sir. 

Frank— There's some lottery tickets that have been sent 
you from the Anglo Club. 

Grace — Sent to me? 

Frank — Yes, didn't you know about it? 

Grace — Not at all. (She takes the letter that the Page 
hands to her.) Why, there's no address on the envelope! 
You're sure it's for me? 

Page — Quite sure, Madame. 

Grace — Oh, well, there may be something to explain it 
inside. (She begins to undo the letter.) 

Page — Perhaps — er — I should mention, Madame, that the 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 33 

— er — tickets has been sent by the president of the aflfair, but 
they was handed to me to bring- here by Lord Heathcoto. 

Grace — Oh! (She pauses and Frank notices the fact.) 

Page — Thank you, Madam. (He bows and moves up be- 
hind table E. in order to go off.) 

Frank: — You've forgotten to ask for the money for the 
tickets — how much are they? 

Page— The— at the Chib— Oh— I think that it will be all 
right, sir. (While saying this to Page, Frank has his back 
to the audience.) (Grace starts to go to her desk up stage 
L. to shut up the letter.) 

Frank — Aren't you going to read it? (Comes to c.) 

Grace (Stopping up stage l. c.) — There's no need. I 
know what it is. 

Frank — Still, we must know what we owe. Let's look, 
shan't we? 

Grace — ^No, no ; it only has to do -with my private charity 
account anyway, and that is never to be your affair, you 
know. 

Frank (Holding chair.) — Grace! 

Grace— Well ? 

Frank — Give me the letter, dear. 

Grace — Oh, come, Frank, don't be absurd. You know you 
never ask to see my letters. 

Frank — I begin to-day. 

Grace — No. 

Frank — Yes. 

Grace — And suppose I resent your asking me in this way 
and refuse to show you the letter? 

Frank — I would read it — somewoh or other — all the same! 
(Grace comes back and hands him the letter.) 

Grace — There! (Mrs. Johnson appears at zvindozv of 
terrace and notices the scene. Frank unseals the letter and 
opens it to read.) Listen, Frank, listen a minute. (She stops 
him, laying her hand on his.) Don't read it. It isn't tickets 
— it's a letter, a letter from Lord Heathcote. I'll explain to 
you. But not now. It contains a very grave piece of confi- 
dence. Something you ought to know. Later on I'll tell you. 

FranK' — Will it hurt me, Grace? 

Grace — Yes 

Frank — I must read it nozv. 

Grace — No (Mrs. Johnson is listening on the 

balcony.) 

Frank — God forgive me my suspicions — I must. (Throzvs 
her off.) 

Grace — Even if ? 

Frank (Looks at Grace, hard.) Yes. (He reads, going 



34 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

to below table e.) (Mrs. Johnson leaves balcony and comes 
dozvn betzveen Frank and Grace.) 

Mrs. J.^Excuse me, Frank, but I'll trouble you for my 
letter. (Frank does not answer, he reads on. He crushes 
the letter in his hand in a rage.) For my letter. 

Frank — Nonsense ! 

Mrs. J. — Thank you, Grace, for keeping my secret so 
closely, but you have no right to protect me at such a sacri- 
fice. Hand me that letter. It was written me by Lord Heath- 
cote, 

Grace — Nell, you don't know all you're saying. 

Frank — If you claim this letter, it means Lord Heath- 
cote is your lover. 

Mrs. J. — WHAT! (Pause. She looks in amazement and 
grief at Grace.) 

Frank — Lord Heath cote is your f 

Mrs. J. — You needn't repeat it — the letter is mine. 

Grace — Nell ! 

Frank — Ugh ! 

Mrs. J. — Do you think that I could let you lead your hus- 
band into such a mistake even for a few minutes? 

Frank — This letter was written to YOUf 

Mrs. J. — It was. 

Frank — But your name is not on the envelope? 

Mrs. J. — Neither is your wife's. 

Frank — ^Why was this note brought here to herf 

Mrs. J. — Because Lord Heathcote knew I was coming here. 

Frank — Do you hack up your sister's statement? (One 
step forward.) 

Mrs. J. — I insist you tell the truth about me, Grace ; don't 
be afraid for me. (Gr.\ce bozvs her head.) I don't mind 
telling you, Bertie and I'd just had a pretty stiff row, and I 
suppose this is to make it up. (Extends her hand for letter.) 
Please ! 

Frank. — I know perfectly well you are fond enough of 
Grace to make any sacrifice for her, any sacrifice whatever. 

Mrs. J.— I don't see where any sacrifice comes in, the let- 
ter's mine, that's all. (Band music is heard in the distance. 
Grace stands close to Mrs. Johnson and grasps her hand.) 

Frank — Then why was .it sent here? 

Mrs. J. — Lord Heathcote knew I was coming here. It's 
not the first time Grace has been a go-between for us. 

Frank (To Grace.) — That little Heathcote, she's out of 
her head. 

Mrs. J. — You're so interested in this correspondence, you 
shall see my answer. 

•Frank — Oh, no, no, no ! 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 35 

Mrs. J. {Smiling.) — Oh, yes, yes, yes! It's your price. 
You've found out a secret, but I am sure you'll keep it 

Frank — Oh! (Shrug of his shculder.) 

Mrs. J.~-Exactly, so I want you to know the whole bag of 
tricks. 

Frank — I'd rather be excused. 

Mrs. J. (She rises and- gives him her letter.) You lost 
your chance when you insisted on reading my letter, though 
I asked you not to. 

Frank (Reads.) — " I owe you an explanation. I will come 
and give it you this evening in the little flat. Wait for me 
and keep the kisses. Nellie." (Returns the letter to Mrs. J.) 
(Boles enters R., takes the letter she hands him.) 

Mrs. J. — Send this letter, please, to the address. 

Boles — Yes, madam. 

Mrs. J. — At once, olease. 

BoLES^ — Very good, m^adam. (Exit Boles r.) (Mrs. 
Johnson takes a step tozmrds Frank. The FANFARE of 
the procession grows louder and continues to the end of the 
act.) 

Mrs. J.— Well— Frank 

FranK' — For the sake of my wife, your secret is safe with 
me. Meanwhile to-day and to-night we will behave as usual 
and save an ugly scandal. (During the following scene the 
MUSIC grows louder and louder, so that its culmination is 
reached on the fall of the curtain.) (Lal enters from back.) 

Lal— The procession is turning in at the corner of the 
Boulevard. The confetti! Where are the confetti? (He 
hurries to the chair r. where some are, and which Frank 
directs him to.) (Frank goes to Lal's help.) 

Frank (Picking up some of the packages left by Max.) 
These must be they. I think. (Mrs. Johnson moves to 
Grace. Mrs. Chardly has followed Lal on and goes towards 
the chair.) 

Mrs. C — Give me some, Lal (They all three take bags 

of confetti and move up again towards the terrace.) 

Grace (Aside to Mrs. Johnson.) Oh, Nell, Nell! 

Mrs. J. — Nonsense ! It's all right. I risk nothing. 

Grace — What haven't you saved me from? 

Jim (Re-entering very gaily.) The moment of the bat- 
tle is upon us. Come quickly, and see the masks ; we're 
going to bombard them. 

Mrs. J. — Yes, yes ; where's our ammunition ? Come, Grace, 
your guests are "waiting. (Mrs. Johnson and Grace cross 
front to join Frank and Jim. Mrs. Bowler and Mrs. 
Chardly have entered again behind Jim. Jim takes some 
serpentines from the mantel. Everybody takes confetti and 
serpentines and hastens to the balcony to commence the bat- 



36 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

tie. _ The finale must have plenty of general movement, very 
rapid and very gay. MUSIC continues.) 

Mrs. C. {From the terrace.) I've got some. 

Mrs. J. {Laughing.) Of course, he has. {ALL laugh, and 
shout "Come on," and "Make haste!' etc. They all come 
and go upon the terrace and throw serpentines which reach 
across the stage. Frank remains alone with Jim in front.) 

Frank — Aren't you coming? 

Jim — Yes — yes. 

Frank — Dear old Jim! like old times again. By George, 
I'm glad to have you with me. {Serpentine rolls to their 
feet.) 

Mrs. J. {In doorway c. Throws serpentine.) Come along' 
you tvio men, don't be so superior, please. {Throzvs a 
serpentine at Jim.) 

Frank — Coine ! {Taking Jim's arm.) 

Jim {Holding back, atfcctionately to Frank.) Frank, I 
can't keep it — that's THE woman! {He exits b. c.) 

Frank {Starts and puts out his hand as if to stop Jim.) 
Jim! {Stops himself.) No, by God! That's a damn shame! 
{The FANFARE bursts out joyously in the midst of the 
hurrahs of the crowd in which the exclamations of those 
upon the stage are mixed. All are grouped upon the bal- 
cony. Jim and Frank hand bags of confetti to Mrs. Bow- 
ler and Chardly. General medley; confetti and serpentine 
come in swarms from tvithout.) 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE — Same as Act I. Nine o'clock in the evening. 
Across the recess of terrace now closed the trees of the 
boulevard are seen, the lanterns hanging from them lighted, 
red and orange. The electric cluster in the middle of the room 
is lighted and candelabra over the chimny piece. ^ A Hre. On 
rising of the curtain nine o'clock finishes striking. MRS. 
JOHNSON in front of the pantelpiece rapidly adjusts her 
hat, and puts finishing touches to her toilette. BOLES, whom 
she is urging to make haste, brings a mantle and a pair of 
gloves, entering door r. He hands those to GRACE, who 
passes them on to MRS. JOHNSON. 

MRS. J. — Was that nine o'clock striking? 

GRACE— Yes. 

MRS. J. {Taking her powder box and powdering nose and 
cheeks.) Really! Bertie will be getting pretty bored in his 
little Rue de Pruoy. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 37 

GRACE — Especially as he must have been completely non- 
plussed by your letter. 

MRS. J. — Oh, no. It will strike him very naturally that 
after all / am in love with him, and have been trying to 
separate you two out of jealousy. 

GRACE— Oh, he's not so stup'id as all that! 

MRS. J. — I wouldn't take chances on it ! Help me with 
my cloak, dear. 

GRACE {Helping her to put it on.) — Don't forget to make 
him give you my letters. 

MRS. J. — You little goose, those letters are what I'm go- 
ing for. {Crossing to table e.) 

GRACE — You wait ! The little goose is going to act her- 
self as well. 

MRS. J. {By E.)— What are you going to do? {Taking 
tip gloves from E and putting them on.) 

GRACE — I am going to make you all right in my hus- 
band's eyes. That is the least I owe you. 

MRS. J. — But, my dear, how can you do that? 

GRACE — I don't know. I must find a way somehow. 

MRS. J.— Don't bother! We'll all separate soon. You'll 
be back to your life at home — and the Frisky Mrs. Johnson 
will go off somewhere for the summer where there is a gay 
Casino and a lot of young men and it won't matter then. 

GRACE {Going to her.) — Yes, it will, it will always matter 
to Frank and me, if he believes you've done wrong when you 
haven't ; oh, Nell, what will you think of me ! except for the 
example of the people around me and the atmosphere in which 
we live, I have no excuse to offer and more, I am adding 
to my sin by putting the wrong on your shoulders. 

MRS. J. — I know I haven't done wrong, and after all, 
that's the principal thing. Let it be, dear. 

GR.A.CE— No, I can't ; it's not right. 

MRS. J. — Meantime, I must make haste! Bertie will get 
tired and be off! Good-bye for a little. {MRS. JOHNSON 
makes a movement to go. GRACE sees her veil left on 
table E. and cries:) 

GRACE— But your veil. {SHE puts it across MRS. 
JOHNSON'S face and hastily knots^ if.) (MAX enters with 
a cardboard box containing serpentines.) 

MAX— At last I have come ! 

MRS. J. — Now what have you come to do here? 

MAX — I 'ave bringed ze serpentines ! 

MRS. J. — Have vou ! Well, you're just nine hours too 
late ! 

MAX — I know it ! I know it better as you !_ {He moves 
dozvn to the left corner of the table E. His clothes are 
covered mith confetti.) I went from ze shop to ze shop and 



38 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

all ze would 'ave sold all of ze confetti ! But, me ! I am 
not decourage. I make myself roll in all ze crowds of peo- 
ples. I was nearly killed twice times, I was arrested ! me ! 
for an anarchist ! I was almost runned over by one omnibus, 
I 'ave not eat nothing, but at last I 'ave found what you 
'ave want, and — ^voila ! me! ! 

MRS. J. — And to reward you I'll be just as much obliged 
as if you were in time — Max, you're a duck ! 

MAX (To Grace) — Me! I am such crazy about her! 

MRS. J. — Do go downstairs. I'm sure the servants will 
give vou some food, won't they, Grace? 

GRACE— Surely ! 

MAX — Oh, I do not wish eat all alone, where is it you are? 

MRS. J. — Oh, I'm going out. (SHE crosses on tozvards 
door R.) 

MAX— All at once as I was come in with your nasty 
snakes? 

MRS. J. — Well, you see, I've been waiting for you nine 
hours, Maxy, and now I must go! Good-bye. Come along, 
Grace. (GRACE follows MRS. J.'S movements and turns 
round to sfcak to MAX as she goes.) 

GRACE (To MAX)— You'll find everybody at billiards. 
(To MRS. JOHNSON, whom she follows out.) You'll be 
back soon, dear? (MAX moves down and follozvs GRACE 
to door, passing in front of table E.) 

MAX — You know, me! I do not find her too much satis- 
factory. (BOLES enters L. He places a coffee service on 
table B. Crosses. MAX turning round, preccives him.) 
Ah, ze Boles, place serpentine aoart for ze next year. 

BOLES — You're rather ahead of time, sir. 

MAX— Zat zere depend on ze point of view what you 
take. Some people think me nine hours behind. (He hands 
cardboard box to BOLES, who repasses him to go out door 

L. MAX calls him back.) Look here. Boles (BOLES 

comes back. MAX moves down again side of table E. till 
he is in front of it.) 

BOLES— Yes, sir? 

MAX — Is it not something has arrived here this after- 
noon ? 

BOLES— No, sir. 

MAX — A page boy have come over from ze Anglo? From 
ze Lord Heathcote, not true? 

BOLES — Oh, yes, sir, yes. 

MAX — He 'ave come back in ze club all made excited for 
to find Heathcote. but Heathcote 'ave gone. I ask him what 
it was up, and he 'ave say he 'ave fear he 'ave put one foot 
in it at Mr. Moorley's. 

BOLES — As a matter of fact, a letter did come 'ere from 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 39 

Lord Heathcote which we did have our hideas about hits 
being compromising. 

MAX — Oh, ho! For who was it was, Boles? (Giving him 
coin.) 

BOLES — Well, sir, we thought naturally at first it was for 
Mrs. Morley. 

MAX— For Madame Morley? Why? 

BOLES — But then we learnt as we was wrong, it being for 
Mrs. Johnson. 

MAX— For Nellie! 

BOLES— For Nellie. 

MAX — Zen what zay say at ze club are true! You are 
sure ? 

BOLES — It was me who took back the answer, sir. 

MAX— To where? 

BOLES — That is a professional secret, sir ! 

MAX (Bows.)—l you pray pardon. Boles. (BOLES 
exits.) (MAX tivirls his cane.) Well! Me! I like zat! 
She 'ave Bertie on her string, too, now. And send me off to 
buy confetti ! It is me who do ze trotting, but it is Bertie 
who do ze getting on. (HE moves up tozvards door R. and 
addresses an imaginary personage.) It is here where I do 
not find myself to come in at all! (MRS. BOWLER enters 
L. a)id moves tozvards table B. MAX hearing her turns, 
places cane and hat on stool C. and moves dozvn table B.) 

MRS. B. — I'm trying to play billiards, and I want a cup 
of coffee. 

MAX — Me! I will get it. (He prepares her a cup of 
coffee.) 

MRS. B.— You're very kind. Mr. Max. 

MAX — From zis moment on, Madame, I am your devoted 
slave. 

MRS. B.— Djear me! Where's the Frisky Mrs. Johnson? 

MAX (Hands her cup of coffee.) She have automobiled 
right over me, and have take on Bertie Heathcote as her 
chauffeur. (Retakes her cue and puts it dozvn by table B.) 

MRS. B.— Oh, come, nonsense! (Scats herself on chair 
D.) 

MAX — It is true. Yes, me, I know not where I am. 

MRS. B.— Oh, this is interesting! 

MAX (MAX sits on stool C. almost on his hat. BUS. 
Puts hat and cane on floor. He is stirring his coffee zvith a 
spoon, tastes it and says.) — Not enough sugar. (Helps him- 
self to a piece from a sugar bozvl on table B. and continues.) 
I have discovered that it is true what ze people at ze Club 
say, zat Bertie have received one mash note from Madame 
Frisky! He 'ave told me one or two in confidence. So, you 



40 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

see me, I have lost me my job. Have you not some errands 
for me to run? 

MRS. B. — I'm very sorry for you, but I can't employ you. 
I can only afiford one messenger boy, and he's my husband; 
(Gives MAX her cup, he puts it on table B.) 

MAX — Take me for a week, only for ze trial. Zis week, 
and give to your husband one holiday. (FRANK enters L. 
and comes table E.) 

FRANK — It's your turn, Mrs. Bowler. 

MRS. B. (Rising.)— Very good. But, Mr. Morley, Maxie 
is full of news ! Is there really anything between Mrs. John- 
son and Lord Heathcote? 

FRANK— Why do you ask me? Ask them! (MRS. 
BOWLER has crossed the stage towards door L., but re- 
traces her steps to speak to FRANK.) 

MRS. B.— But Maxy says (Int.) . 

MAX — And me ! Where was rtie when it was true? 

FRANK — Scandal, that's all. Somebody's jealous, perhaps. 
It sounds like puppy-dog spite. (GRACE enters L. and 
moves down to table I.) 

GRACE— What's the matter? 

MRS. B. — Oh, some gossip about your sister and Lord 
Bertie! 

GRACE— It's not true. 

FRANK— You see! 

MRS. B.^Oh, yes, I see. She says it is a lie before she 
hears what it is ! My dear, you're a model sister ! I hate 
mine! She says all sorts of the most horrid things about me, 
even when they're true! (She goes off l., MAX foUoivins; 
her.) (FRANK L. of table E. left alone with GRACE. 
GRACE crosses before E., taking from it a coffee cup which 
she places on B.) 

FRANK — Look here, confound it, the thing's spreading. 
(Coming down to front of E. He moves to GRACE, who 
in order to distract his attention arranges the cups upon 
table B.. turning her back to him.) 

GRACE (Below B.)— Yes, yes. 

FRANK — Your sister must leave Paris to-morrow. I 
saw Boles suspected something this afternoon. 

GRACE— He wouldn't dare! 

FRANK — Let me catch him! (Goes to fireplace. Change 
of tone.) Have you seen Jim? 

GRACE — He left us over half an hour ago. He went on 
to the terrace. He must be there still. _ (FRANK crossing 
stage has reached fireplace and lights a cigarette.) 

FRANK — On the terrace, alone? (Coming to C.) 

GRACE— Yes. Shall I join him? ._ 

FRANK — No, I want to talk with him a few minutes, and 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 41 

you've got your guests, to look .after. (Coming to table E.) 
(GRACE moves up and passes FR/INK towards door L.) 

GRACE — I know, and I wish they'd go home. 

FRANK — Grace! (He has allowed her to pass him, but 
now detains her by the hand.) 

GRACE— Yes ? 

FRANK (taking her in his arms) — Have you forgiven 
me? Really and truly for this afternoon? 

GRACE (evades a tender tnovement on Frank's part) — 
Yes, yes, Frank, there's nothing for me to forgive. Please 
don't speak of it again! (She goes off door L.) (FRANK 
turns towards balcony R. and calls.) 

FRANK— Are you there, JIM? 

JIM (outside)— Yes. 

FRANK— What are you doing? 

JIM — Catching cold! 

FRANK — Come and smoke a cigarette in here. 

JIM — It will make my twenty-sixth, but I'm at your dis- 
posal. (JIM, his coat collar turned up. moves down from 
balcony from R. BOTH come down R. FRANK offers him 
a cigarette and hands his as a light to JIM to light his own 
zvifh. FRANK R. JIM R. C.) 

FRANK— Well? 

JIM— What? 

FRANK — Made up your mind yet? 

JIM — O come ! You mustn't p imp me ! Ask. me ques- 
tions right out and I'll do my best, but that's my limit. 

FRANK — Are you really in love? 

JIM — That's where I am. 

FRANK — With my sister-in-law, Mrs. Johnson? 

JIM — Yes, — -I haven't changed since this afternoon. 

FRANK — And have you got so far as thinking of mar- 
rying? 

JIM — Have gone past the thinking stage — it's only a ques- 
tion now as to whether she will think about it. FRANK 
knocks off cigarette ash into ash-tray, table B.) (FRANK 
doesn't answer) — You don't seem very enthusiastic, Franks 

FRANK— No. 

JIM— And why? 

FRANK — I wish it was another woman. 

JIM — I don't. (Sits on corner of table E.) 

FRANK (going to table £.)— Let's talk this out straight 
from the shoulder ! 

JIM — I'd rather talk straight from the heart. 

FRANK— Understand, I am delighted with the idea of 
your getting married. (Sits chair D.) 

JIM — Yes, but you must understand, too, that I haven't 
fallen in love with Nellie Johnson because I want to get 



4*. THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

married— rot a bit. I want to get mari-ied only because I'm 
head over heels in love with your "fHsky" sister-in-law. 

FRANK — " Frisky " is perhaps putting it mildly. 

JIM {angry)~What! 

FRANK — You don't suit each other at all. 

JIM— O, I don't know. 

FRANK — You don't mind the gang of dude appendages 
she always drags about with her? 

JIM — My dear boy! Bully! There's safety in numbers. 

FRANK — Oh, it's easy to answer with a joke. You've 
made Up your mind, have you? {He rises.) 

JIM — I have. And you seem — well, not very happy over it! 
{He rises.) 

FRANK — I can't act a lie, Jim. {He moves up to JIM.) 
I don't like the marriage — you're straight as a string, you al- 
ways were the soul of honor, but you're still a boy in some 
things. {Moves to L.) 

JIM— Look here, what have you got against Nellie? {He 
follozvs FRANK to fireplace. BOTH MEN stand before it 
with their backs to it.) 

FRANK — You'll never marry her ! 

JIM— Why not? 

FRANK— I leave that for her to tell you. 

JIM — What do you mean? 

FRANK— Ask Nellie. ' ''. 

JIM — I will — by George, I'll ask her to-night to be my 
wife— I don't like your attitude, and I don't understand it! 
Where is she? 

FRANK — She's gone out. But I think she's coming back. 

JIM — Gone out? At nine o'-clock! What for? 

FRANK— Why ask me? 

JIM— You seem to know a good deal abdut her, or pre- 
tend to. Look here, are you going to stay on sulky like this 
if she accepts me, Frank? 

FRANK — She can't accept vou. 

JIM— But if she does? 

FRANK — No, if she accepts you, then I'll tell you why 
you can't marry her. 

JIM — Frank, is she in love with someone? 

FRANK — Perhaps, or some thing — say her freedotn. 

JIM— Of course! It might be like that. {FRANK ikoves 
tip back. BERTIE enters door R.) 

BERTIE — O! Do you happen to have seen Mrs. Johnson? 
She's dining with you, isn't she? {By table E.) 

FRANK— Oh, it's yon. is it? 

JIM {aside). — Humph! {He crosses toivard balcony.) 
Good evening. Lord Heathcote. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 43 

BERTIE — This time I'm just coming and you're just go- 
ing, eh? 

JIM — Really! I wasn't noticing, it's most interestmg '■ 

{Exits back while speaking.) 

BERTIE^-1 say, really now, haven't you seen Mrs. John- 
son really? 

FRANK {coming towards him) — Bertie, it's not my cus- 
tom to meddle in my sister-in-law's affairs, but I want to tell 
you that you're compromising Mrs. Johnson. 

BERTIE— What! Mef 

FRANK — Yes, and it's got to stop, at least so far as my 
home is concerned ; yovi must meet somewhere else. 

BERTIE— Well! It's all Greek to me. It is really ! What^' 

FRANK — Oh, I don't ask you to understand me, but think 
it over if you can without too much fatis?:ae. {FRANK ex- 
its L. BERTIE foiiozvs his movement — then moves down 
C. and goes to fireplace.) 

BERl'IE {looking at and talking to himself in the glass) — 
Mrs. Johnson evidently thniks this is the first of April. She 
makes me break off with Grace, she writes me that she's 
gone on me ; she keeps me four hours stuck in the Rue de 
Pruoy; and when I arrive here, I'm told I've jolly compro- 
mised her. It's a joke, you know. I don't see just where the 
laugh comes in, but a joke it is and we will laugh at it ! 
{Turns and sees coffee, liquors, etc., on table B.) Ha! Ha! 
I say, I'm hungry! {He crosses stage to take BAR B. be- 
side stool C. Pours out some Chartreuse into a liqueur glass 
a7i4 takes a sandwich.). Of course, I've no time to dine. 
Did she get hold of Grace's letter I wonder? Hello, it's a 
foie-gras! Don't care about it! Still don't see why she had 
to write back to me I was her only! J don't really! A 
thimble's no good when one's thirsty. {He puts his luquer 
glass to one side, iills up a whiskey glass and drinks.) I 
never encouraged her, but I believe — it's the only explanation! 
She's got it bad! {Enter CHARDLY, carrying his billiard 
cue, L. and passes at back to corner of table B.) Hello, 
Chardly, old chap, have you come for a drink? 

CHARDLY {R. of table, smiling)— I've won- the first pool. 
{Paws out and drinks at table B.) 

BERTIE (L. of table)— I want to consult you. 

CHARDLY— Delighted ! Something pyschological ? 

BERTIE — Maybe, you're so clever, you know, the way 
you know zvonien! Put down your glass and listen to me. 
It's very subtle. 

{CHARDLY puts down on table B. the glass- he was 
about lifting to his moiith. BERTIE, pushes forivard stool 
C. on zvhich CHARDLY sits, BERTIE seated on chair D.) 

CHARDLY— So much the better.- ' 



44 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

BERTIE — Don't talk yet, wait till I give it to you. {En- 
ter MRS. BOWLER unseen.) Mr. A. is in love with Mrs. 
E., they are a trusting and happy couple. 

CHARDLY— E. A! {Business with his fingers.) 

BERTIE — Yes, but a certain lady, /., persuades her sister 
E. to break off with A. 

CHARDLY— I see— I— E— A. 

BERTIE — If you like. A, awful done up, thinks of sui- 
cide, then gives that up and writes E a supplicating letter. 

CHARDLY— That is letter A to letter E. 

BERTIE — And who do you think answers A, E? No, I! 

CHARDLY— Oh ! You! 

BERTIE— No, not U, I, letter I. 

CHARDLY— Oh yes, of course, letter I. 

BERTIE— Got it! 

CHARDLY— Perfectly ! 

BERTIE — The friend! and she! writes to A . . . 

CHARDLY— "Leave E alone." 

BERTIE — No : she writes to me : ''I love you." 

CHARDLY— Writes to you? 

BERTIE— To A! To A! 

CHARDLY— I see! (MRS. BOWLER moves C.) 

BERTIE — Well now, my dear man, what ought A to think 
of I's attitude? (MRS. B. steps nearer.) 

MRS. B. — It means you're in love with Mrs. Johnson. 
Come along. Professor, it's your turn. (Exit.) 

CHARDLY — In a moment. You've succumbed, too, to 
the Cincinnati gold mines. (Pours himself another liqueur.) 

BERTIE (rises)— AW is not gold that glitters. Her's is 
beer. 

CHARDLY— No, this is Benedictine. (Drinks.) 

BERTIE— I mean! No! Really! No it's beastly ! You're 
in the joke, too. (BERTIE moves L. CHARDLY follows 
him up, carrying the cue L. between table E and arm-chair 
G.) 

CHARDLY — Mrs. Bowler just put me on. I_ understand 
you now lead the procession in the frisky widow's train ; my 
compliments on that ! 

BERTIE — Oh rot! (GRACE enters L. and comes to back 
centre.) 

GRACE— Is Lord Heathcote ? 

BERTIE (moving to her) — Yes. good evening. (Goes 
over to table /.) 

CHARDLY (moving to her up between B. and E.) — Do 
they want me in the billiard room? 

GRACE (going to £.)— Yes— yes, I think they do. 

CHARDLY— Thanks — I'm always in such demand! Sorry 
to lea:ve you. (To BERTIE) (He moves to BERTIE, who 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 45 

has moved up beside stand I. and shakes his hand — business 
■with billiard cue) — Another time I can be of any service — I — 

BERTIE— Oh! Rot! {Exit CHARDLY, L.) 

GRACE — Oh, have you seen Nellie? {She moves down 
between tables E and B — BERTIE moving down, comes to 
L. corner of E.) 

BERTIE— No. 

GRACE — She's at your house. 

BERTIE — What a nuisance — why? 

GRACE— Didn't you get her letter? 

BERTIE — Do you know about that letter? 

GRACE — Of course, did you understand? 

BERTIE— All Greek to me! it was really! 

GRACE — The page boy you were so foolish to send here 
met my husband. 

BERTIE— No! What! Not really! And my note? 

GRACE — My husband read it. {Slight movement to R.) 

BERTIE— Oh, I say! 

GRACE^But Nellie was there and saved us. {Sits in 
chair D.) 

BERTIE — Good old Nellie, I'll forgive her everything! 
How? 

GRACE — She said the letter was meant for her. 

BERTIE — I say! of course — I'd put no name on the en- 
velope ! ! 

GRACE— Luckily not! 

BERTIE— But what's the point of "Keep the kisses, Nel- 
lie"? 

GRACE — Because in order to completely avert my hus- 
band's suspicions she answered the letter under his eyes. 

BERTIE — I say! awfully clever. 

GRACE — It was wonderful. {Rises L.) 

BERTIE— Still I think of all of us you know, it's litttle 
Bertie who takes the cake ! 

GRACE— Indeed ? 

BERTIE— It isn't every Johnny who can write a pas- 
sionate love letter to the one woman he's crazy about, and 
have it fit every old girl that comes along! 

GRACE — Yes, but Nellie is sacrificing herself to protect 
me ; we can't accept that, people are talking about you and 
her already! 

BERTIE {crosses to I.) — I know that from your brother- 
in-law's behaviour. 

GRACE — Jim? {Turning quickly.) 

BERTIE — Yes, he must be in love with The Frisky, for 
he's growing deuced jealous of me. 

GRACE— And if Nell cares for him 

BERTIE— Then she'd better not let Mr. Jim hear her side 



46 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

of our story, that's all. {He approaches her and on his last 
words, passes his arm discreetly about her waist.) 

GRACE — No, don't— don't (moving away) Bertie, if 

Nell does care for Jim we can't accept this sacrifice. 

BERTIE-^It's her own fault. If she hadn't chased me 
out of here to-day in the rapid fire way she did, I could 
have got a word in edge-ways with you, and wouldn't have 
had to send the note at all ! 

GRACE — I don't think I'd blame her. (Sits on sofa.) 

BERTIE (beside table I. and sofa)— But I do for killing 
your 

GRACE— Was it love, Bertie? 

BERTIE— I say! really? 

GRACE — I was lonely and dissatisfied, I wanted to be 
amused and made love to, you came along at just the psy- 
chological moment when I had persuaded myself I was an 
ill-used woman. 

BERTIE— And aren't you? 

GRACE — No. I believe I deserve now — all I am getting. 

BERTIE — Yes, but I'm getting it. too, and I don't feel 
I deserve any of it. I love j^ou, you know, I do really ! 

GRACE — Don't ever say that to me again. I won't have 
it. Here we all three are in a dreadful position. 

BERTIE — Yes — yes. I tell you what, the only thing to do 
is to forget it and think of something else ! ' 

GRACE— Oh ! You— I and I thought / loved you: (Rises 
and turns to face him.) (She moves azvay from him.) 

BERTIE — I say, quick, look natural and pleasant, some 
one's coming! (Comes to below table B.) 

(Enter FRANK., followed by JIM, BOWLER and 
CHARDLY, LAL and MRS. CHARDLY. ALL talking. 
GRACE moves up back.) 
■ (LAL and MRS. CHARDLY go to table B.) 

GRACE — Your game finished? 

MRS. C. — Aren't some of you men thirsty— Mr. Jim? 
(JIM moves down between table E. and table B. crosses 
stage to rejoin FRANK. BOWLER and CHARDLY. who 
have moved down between table E. and sofa H. forming a 
group in front of fireplace; men converse in a low tone.) 

JIM (in answer to Mrs. Chardly as he moves away) — No, 
thanks. 

MRS. B.— Where in the world is Mrs. Johnson? 

BERTIE— Yes! I say? (He moves up behind table B. to 
seat himself in armchair O.) 

GRACE — Will you have something to drink? (She moves 
down to table B. zvhile addressing MRS. BOWLER.) 

MRS. B.— Thank you— I will. I believe the chalk off my 
billiard cue has made me dry. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 47 

LAL (acting on the moment of GRACE, who goes to table 
B. LAL gets up to the L. of Mrs. Chardly) — Do you know 
it's a quarter past ten, what? I've telephoned; the carriage is 
here, and I'm asking myself what we're waiting for— what? 

MRS. C. — My dear child, we can't run away like this, with- 
out any excuse, we must begin our little plot ! 

LAL — I say, yes! Keep your eye on me now, what! 

MRS. C. — Do it very carefully — lead up to it so no one 
will catch on. 

LAL — Do you take me for a bally gal, what? {LAL 
moves doziit C. and advances front centre.) 

LAL — There is dancing going on now at the Vernets. {No 
one takes any notice of the remark ; he apfiroaches the group 
of men zvlio are talking fairly loudly and shouts into Jim's 
back,) I say, dancing is going on now at the Vernets! What? 
{JIM talking loudly with the others, turns round in aston- 
ishment.) 

LAL — I say, dancin g 

JIM — We heard you — and zve can stand it if you can. {En- 
ter MAX.) 

CHARDLY — By George, though, that reminds me, my wife 
wants to put in an appearance there. 

MRS. C. — I'm afraid I ought to. {To Grace) You won't 
mind our running away? 

GRACE — My dear, of course we are sorry. 

MRS. C. — I can leave Chardly behind to entertain you. 

LAL— Yes! Yes! I'll take you on, Mrs. Chardly. 

JIM— What a bright idea! 

MRS. C— It isn't bad, is it? {MAX has joined MRS. 
BOWLER.) 

MRS. B. — My husband will take Mr. Chardly's place and 
keep you company, Lucille. He had to go and make my ex- 
cuses. {JIM, aside, chuckles and laughs.) 

BOWLER— I shall be delighted. 

JIM— That's all right then. {Joining Lai.) 

LAL — I say, what? I've arranged to take Mrs. Chardly 
on, and it's only a coupe — a club coupe. There's no extra 
seat. {Moving down quickly in front of chair F.) 

JIM— Ah, that's a bore ! Because you, being the young- 
est, will have to give up your place to Mr. Bowler. Still — 
you can go on foot, it will be just a nice walk for you, and 
join them there. 

LAL — Of course! I say, what! (^,ytrf^) Bally idiot ! 

BOWLER {gallantly to Mrs. Chardly)—! am delighted to 
go with you, madame. I only hope I don't incommode Mr. 
Dirkenread ? 

LAL— Oh. no matter — I'll ride outside with the coachman. 
It'll be better air. {To Mrs. C.) Done for, our going. 



48 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. C. — How silly you are, we can leave in ten minutes 
and go and have supper. 

LAL— Clever gal! {MRS. JOHNSON enters R. seeing 
GRACE, goes to her. BERTIE moves down to table I. and 
turns over an illustrated journal.) 

GRACE {meeting Mrs. Johnson) — He's here. 

MRS. J.— Just like him. 

CHARDLY — Lord Heathcote, here's Mrs. Johnson. 

BERTIE (agitated)— I see her, I see her. 

JIM — We all share vour privilege. Lord Heathcote. (MRS. 
JOHNSON, conducted by GRACE, goes to table B. at the 
same time MRS. BOWLER moves dozvn between B. and E.) 

MRS. J. — I was feeling rather seedy, and I've been rest- 
ing a little while in Grace's room. 

MRS. B. (skeptically) — Nothing serious. 

FRANK (quickly)— Oh, no! Nothing serious. 

MRS. J. (to Bertie) — I've just come from your place. 

BERTIE — O please not like this, before everybody; you've 
already compromised me with these peqple ! You have 
really. (HE moires away from her and up to sofa, and to 
chimney piece, where he arranges his hair before the glass.) 

MRS. J. (Looks at him and laughs.) — "Little Monkey!" 

GRACE — Will you have some coffee? 

MRS. J. — No, a whiskey and soda. Bertie will mix it for 
me. 

BERTIE (going to table) — She gets on my nerves. 

LAL — I say, can't we kick out? 

MRS. C. — Yes, come along. 

LAL— At last. 

MRS. C. — Good-bye, Grace, had such a charming time, 
can't bear to tear myself away! (Shakes hands with GRACE) 

MRS. J. — Sorry you have to go so soon. 

MRS. C. — Sorry not to have seen more of you. 

(Exchange o( compliments. MRS. CHARDLY, MAX. 
BOWLER, having taken their leave, move, accompanied by 
FRANK to R. At exit. BERTIE is at table B. LAL is the 
last of the men to go out.) 

JiM (shaking hands unth him) — I'm sorry for you. 

LAL (turning to him) — I say what! Ain't it a shame! 
{Exit after the others R.) 

MRS. B. (stopping GRACE, zvho is following off her other 
GUESTS.) — My dear, I don't mind telling you now why I 
wanted to get rid of my husband. I've promised to join 
some friends in their box at the Opera, and you know he's 
so awfully in the way — a perfect skeleton at the feast— I 
only take him to places where it really doesn't matter, like 
to you, dear — you know what I mean — to an old friend. And 
now, could I have a little powder, and a looking-glass? 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 49 

GRACE — Certainly. Come with me. 

MRS. B. — Does your nose get red? I really don't see, etc. 
(MRS. BOWLER and GRACE move don'i: and nrss L. 
where THEY exit. General muvement of departure. JIM is 
left alone.) 

JIM— What NICE people! ! (CHARDLY and FRANK 

CHARDLY— We'll watch them off from the balcony. Are 
you coming, Frank? (CHARDLY and FRANK move off 
along terrace.) 

JIM (to Mrs. Johnson) — They're breaking^ np ! I think 
they are all going to clear out, and we shall be able to talk. 

MRS. J.— Not really! What fm. Only first, with your 
permission, I must have a word or two with Lord Heath- 
cote. 

JIM— Oh, of course! The flirt before the friend. That I 
expect! (JIM goes off by balcony on to terrace at back.) 
(BERTIE R. of B. MRS. J. L. of B.) 

BERTIE (to MRS. /., who, looking at him, begins to 
laugh) — Why do you laugh? 

MRS. J. — You do look so awfully upset! 

BERTIE— Your nature is gay. 

MRS. J. — Don't you think our adventure awfully funny? 

BERTIE — I do not see where the laugh comes in? 

MRS. J. — At any rate, my sister is saved from a scandal, 
and one for me, more or less, doesn't count. 

BERTIE — Yes, but how about me! I'm getting into awful 
hot wataer. 

MRS. J.— O, you'll be all right. (SHE puts down her 
glass and moves to table E. centre. BERTIE follows.) 

BERTIE — Yes, but I'm not the only one in a mess over it, 
either. Listen ! I know you think I'm an awful ass. 

MRS. J.— Not, an awful one. 

BERTIE — Well, I am a good deal of an ass, but even an 
ass has ears, as you know, and he has eyes, too, and some- 
times he can see with them. 

MRS. J. — Mercy! You're going to talk seriously! (Seats 
herself L. corner of sofa H.) 

BERTIE — I'm going to try to. (BERTIE moves chair F. 
to table I. and sits dozmi.) In the first place I've had lots of 
flirtations in my life, but none that caused such a sensation 
apparently as this one I haven't had with you ! 

MRS. J.— People are talking? 

BERTIE — People are screaming! It's a hit! But I ad- 
vise you to let up on it for your own sake. 

MRS. J. — Thank you, I'm sure. 

BERTIE — Suppose somebody fell in love with you whom 
you loved in return. 



50 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J.— I? 

BERTIE — Yes. You ! You mustn't think me interfering. 
But you know love happens to the most unexpected people. 

MRS. J.— Thank you. 

BERTIE — You needn't think because you're a widow — 
once bit twice — you know because it doesn't work that way. 
It's a sort of nice little pink microbe, and you never know 
when you won't get it in the heart — love is. 

MRS. J. — Well, grant that I should fall in love one day. 

BERTIE — And then this story crops up ! People say and 
believe the worst. 

MRS. J. — Then I'd ask you to tell the truth to the man 
in the case. That is all that would be necessary to save me 
my happiness. 

BERTIE — Very good, but suppose, don't you see, that the 
man who won your difficult affections should be a near rela- 
tion of Mr. Frank Morley's, it wouldn't be easy then to tell 
him the truth, not for me, no really! 

MRS. J. — You don't mean vou're hinting at Jim Morley? 

BERTIE— Why not? 

MRS. J. — Because he doesn't care a rap about me ! 

BERTIE — Doesn't he? That's where j'ou're very much 
mistaken ! Everybody's on to him except you. Since this 
ridiculous gossip about us he glares at me every time I 
enter the room. Like a — like a fox watching a rat — -he does 
really. 

MRS. J. — I don't believe it ! Maxie loves me and sev- 
eral other nice little boys tag about after me — but (She 

hesitates.) 

BERTIE— And much you care (Takes up a book from 

table E.) 

MRS. J.— Well? 

BERTIE— You will excuse me, but that's only the first 
verse of my little song; wait till you hear the chorus! I 
think you're so near falling in love with Mr. Jim Morley 
yourself. Heavens if he breathes you're done for. 

MRS. J.— What do you mean? 

BERTIE — Want me to repeat the chorus? 

MRS. J. — You are getting to be quite a mind reader, aren't 
you? 

BERTIE — Yes, you know it's come to me all of a sudden. 
I'm rather stuck on myself, I am really! (HE rises, throws 
book dozvn on to table, and passes a little right, leaning his 
back against table E.) 

MRS. J. — That's nothing new. 

BERTIE — Rats, you're angry because I see i'ou're in love ! 
(HE picks up illustrated journal from table ai;d returns to 
Mrs. J., who takes the paper from him.) Why shouldn't you 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 51 

be rather keen on Mr. Jim Morly? After all he's the real 
thing and most of ns chaps that hang: arou id Monte Carlq 
and Paris in the Winter — well. We tak'v ?. w.''.llc ci the 
Boulevard. Mr. Jim "takes a run around the world. There^s 
something big and picturesque about him, a mixture of baor 
anas, giant cacti, chivalry and telling the truth, and lots of 
nice things like that. He makes Max and me and the rest 
of us look like a Punch and Judy show, he does, really! {Be 
approaches Mrs. J.) You know you don't flirt with him, 
you talk, j'ou talk, and when he's talked about, you listen! 
(Takes an illustrated paper and turns over during the course 
of his monologue and Icoki.ig at it abstractedly up and dozvn\, 
With you that means a lot, you see, because listening isn't 
your strong point. (A pause.) You see, maybe you have 
been in a little too much of a hurry to sacrifice yourself. 

MRS. J. — That's good, isn't it? T had a lot of time to 
think it over. (MRS. JOHNSON rises L., passes in front 
of Bertie, crosses the stage to table B.) 

BERTIE — Are you angry with me? (Following her.) 

MRS. J.— Hardly! If v/nat >ou suggest were true I 
might be, but 

BERTIE — O. all right, all right, I only wanted to give you 
a friendly tip ; as for myself, I've decided on my plan. I 
shall disappear — and I shall tell v.o one where I am going. 
To-morrow, if I may, I v»'ill bring you your sister's letters. 

MRS. J. — Ah, yes, plea=e— the letters. (SHE approaches 
BERTIE.) ^ 

BERTIE — And my sympathy will be entirely with you. 
I see perfectly it is you v;ho did for yourself in the little 
affair. (Offers his Jiand.) 

MRS. J.— Don't be stupid! (SJiakes liis liand.) (MRS. /._ 
crosses BERTIE and moves dozvn front beside arni-cJxair G.) 
(CHARDLY, FRANK and JIM come in from terrace.) 

CHARDLY— It is eleven o'clock, Heathcote. Shall I take 
you off with me? 

BERTIE— Wish you would. (JIM seeing BERTIE lias 
moved down beJiind table B. is between scene and table. HE 
crosses, takes leave of JIM.) 

JIM — Good evening. (HE keeps his eye on BERTIE tlte 
whole time and pours out a cup of coffee for himself.) 
(BERTIE moves back to MRS. J. and looks at her langor- 
ouslv.) (JIM pours coffee outside of cup.) 

BERTIE (amused)— Did you see him, the fox? (HE 
kisses MRS. J.'s hand, and noticing tliat at the moment JIM 
shozvs signs of ill humor and drops the coffee pot down, 
noisily on tlte tray.) (Breaks china.) 

CHARDLY— Mrs. Morley isn't here?, I must be going. 
Good-night Mr. Morley. (Business of JIM with coffee pot.) 



52 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

(MR. C. moves down, crosses before BERTIE, who moves 
■up, pressing MRS. J.'s hands, crosses, stage. CHARDLY 
shakes hands with JIM, who has poured himself out a glass 
of Chartreuse, then returns to FRANK.) 

FRANK— She was with Mrs. Bowler. 

JIM — They must have taken French leave. 

CHARDLY— I suppose so. {To FRANK.) Say good-night 
for me, please. (To BERTIE) Are you coming, Mr. A? 

BERTIE— I come, O great student of women! {BERTIE 
follozt's CHARDLY, who goes off first by door R.. throwing 
a last look tozvards MRS. J. in order to irritate IIM. MRS. 
J. is at ^replace betzvcen sofa H and armchair G. FRANK 
shozvs out CHARDLY, returns after BERTIE is off, comes 
dozvn a little towards JIM, remains at the corner of the 
table B.) 

FRANK {goes up to JIM) — Here is your chance. Take it. 

JIM — Start things going for me. 

FRANK {He takes a step or tztfo towards MRS. J. above 
table E.) My brother just now has tkaen me into his confi- 
dence and I have advised him to lose no time in speaking to 
yoH. 

MRS. J. — You're very solemn. (SHE moves up a little 
tozvards FRANK beside the stand I.) 

FRANK — Yes, perhaps I am. Jim will make my mood 
clear to you — good-bye. (E.vit FRANK L. to balcony.) 

MRS. J. {moving nearer JIM) — So, Mr. Jim, are you go- 
ing to take me seriously? That's very extraordinary. 

JIM {come up to MRS. J. till they are separated by table 
E.) — I have taken you seriously for a long time, and to tell 
you the straight truth my flippancies were only to hide the 
fact that I'm so a — I'm so timid. 

MRS. J. — Really! I should never have thought it. 

JIM — But you'll acknowledge a man is apt to appear an 
awful fool when he is sincere or serious ! 

MRS. J. — No, I won't acknowledge that, not all men. 

JIM — I know I'm right. There are moments in your life 
when you feel so deeply you can't speak, the only words you 
know seem so cheap, they've been worked to death, by all the 
writers of hysterical, historical novels. 

MRS. J. — It depends on the one who speaks. 

JIM — / think it depends on the one who listens ! 

MRS. J.— O 

JIM — But perhaps if the people really loved each other 
the same old thing between them would sound new. 

MRS. J.— Why not? 

JIM— Shall I risk.it? The same old thing? 

MRS. J.— Yes, risk it. (SHE seats herself chair F.) 
(JIM seats himself chair D.) 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 53 

JIM — My dear Nellie, you are called the Frisky Mrs. 
Johnson — in your heart of hearts I don't believe you're frisky 
at all. 

MRS. J. — We all have to wear our little masks. 

JIM — I say I don't know how to go on! My heart's beat- 
ing at such a breakneck pace that any doctor would give me 
up as doomed. I feel like a kid of a schoolboy— and think 
of our ages. 

MRS. J.— O no, don't let's think of our ages. 

JIM— Nellie, of course, it's as plain as daylight I'm dead in 
love with you. 

MRS. J.— Jim. (Rising.) 

JIM — What? (Coming down belozv E.) 

MRS. J.— It's true? 

JIM — It's the truest thing about me ! 

MRS. J. — I never dared hope! I wouldn't let myself even 
dream. (Goin^ into his arms, stops and draws awa\.) O! 
O! Jim (Pause.) 

JIM— What, Nell? (SHE goes to C.) (Pause.) 

MRS. J. — Jim! Are j^ou in earnest? 

JIM — I was never so earnest before in my life. So give me 
a straightforward answer. 

MRS. J. — You told your brother just now you were going 
to do this. 

JIM — Yes, I felt sort of in need of a little bracing. 

MRS. J. — I'm afraid he didn't give it to you. 

JIM — Oh. — he's like a good many other people who judge 
you wrongly. They don't see under your mask. 

MRS. J. — Are you sure you do? 

JIM (goes to her) — Yes. 

MRS. J.— What did Frank say? 

JIM— I've forgotten. 

MRS. J. — No, you haven't — and you must tell me. 

JIM — Well, he said, she can't marry you — and she'll tell 
you why. 

MRS. J. — And if I don't tell you why, did he say he would? 

JIM— Yes. (A pause.) 

JIM (going to her) — It isn't "no," is it Nell? 

MRS. J. — Listen, Jim. I can't tell you how what you've 
said touches and flatters me, too. 

JIM— But 

MRS. J. — Since the first day we met — and quarrelled, I've 
been more than half in love with you. You see you must 
acknowledge you're different from the general run of young 
men we're thrown with over here. And — well, Jim, I look 
up to you tremendously. And that's what I meant when I 
separated yo ufrom the dawdlers and called you my friend. 

JIM— But? 



54 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J. — I've even be^un to wish I hadn't acquired that 
title of mine — you know? The Frisky — I realize now how 
much space it makes between you and me. You see I've 
an ideal about you. 

JIM— But? 

Mrs. J. — But — that's just it — but. I cannot be your wife. 

JIM — I know^I don't need Frank to tell me, I can guess. 
{JIM goes up stage and comes back) You love someone else? 

MRS. J.— I? {Goes to table E.) 

JIM — I've come too late — another man is ahead of me. 

MRS. J.— No, no, that's not it ! 

JIM— O yes. 

MRS. J.— Well. I think / ought to know. 

JIM— I know I'm behavinar very badly. You've said the 
word and I ought to take off my hat and leave. But I've 
lost my good manners. I'm ihurt and I can't help crying out. 
Refuse me, of course, if you like, but don't tell me there isn't 
anyone else, because I know even his name. 

MRS. J.— Lord Heathcote? 

JIM — Yes, Lord Heathcote. and I don't say so because of 
any gossip that may be going about. I base what I say on 
facts. 

MRS. J.— Really! On factsF 

JIM — Facts! You're so careless, you are very ea.s}'. After 
dinner Frank told me you'd gone off on some errand, no 
one knew where. You had gone to Lord Heathcote" s room 
and you hadn't found him ! that was clear. Well, all that's 
your business, but what you had no right to do was lead me 
on, these last two weeks, when you knew that already your 
heart was engaged elsewhere. You had no right to fool a 
man when you must have seen I was becoming deeply in love 
with j'ou, along with those other idiot flirts with whom you 
enjoy passing most of your time. 

MRS. J. {has listened motionless, her eyes fixed upon him) 
— I don't know why I allow you to speak to me like this. 
{She moves down and f^oes to JIM. -who has moved — at the 
end of his speech) I ought to be furious with you. 

JIM {changing) — No. Because you know that I am not 
really reproaching you with anything. I am only suflfering 
out aloud. 

MRS. J. — I'm doing a little suffering on my own account, 
Jim. I'm telling a man I'd rather do anything in the world 
than hurt, that I can't marry him. 

JIM— But say I observed wrongly just now; I accused you, 
defend yourself. Tell me I was wrong. 

MRS. J. — I can't. {She moves slightly.) 

JIM— Why not? 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 55 

_ MRS. J. — Your brother Frank would tell you you were 
right. 

JIM— Right? 

MRS. J. — In believing the worst of me. 

JIM — No! tell me you would contradict my brother, that 
you would defy him to prove we shouldn't marry. (He goes 
up to her.) 

MRS. J.— No. 

JIM— Why not? 

MRS. J.— I couldn't. 

JIM — Then I'm right after all? 

MRS. J.— Yes. 

JIM— You love— this Heathcote? 

MRS. J.— Ask your brother. {JIM sits — chair.) 

JIM— No. 

MRS. J. {with agitation)— WeU? 

(A long pause. MRS. J. moves up back passing between 
chair F. and stand I.) 

MRS. J. — After all you've no right to probe me like this. 
I gave you my answer, that ought to have been enough. I 
stand alone. I have no account to render anyone. I have 
a perfect right to a romance if I want it. {SHE moves down 
round table E.) Suppose I do care for a little romance with 
Lord Heathcote as its hero, what affair is it of yours ! I 
never led you in any way to believe I cared for you. {SHE 
moves up to corner left of table F.) 

(JIM rises and moves up back betzvccn chair F. and 
Stand I.) I surprise you! Well, you see, you don't know me! 
When you do it will be easy to forget me. I'm so sorry to 
have hurt you ! You've idealised me, Jim, that's the trouble. 
Frank knows me better than you do ; forget me. I am 
worth exactly what everybody says of me. It oughtn't to 
be hard to forget the Frisky Mrs. Johnson. 

JIM — No, I don't understand it all ! {HE moves down to 
corner R. of the table E.) 

MRS. J.— What? 

JIM — Somehow or other you don't ring true when you 
talk like that. The words don't seem to come from you. I 
almost think you've got a reason. 

MRS. J.— Not at all, I'm telling you the truth. {She falls 
back a little before JIM, who moves down on her.) 

JIM— No. 

MRS. J. — But you must believe me, why should I accuse 
myself? 

JIM — Ah, that's what I don't know! But there's nothing 
a woman won't do ! I don't understand, but I do know 
you're not telling the truth! And I mean to sift it out! and 
to get at the truth before I finish ! 



56 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

(MRS. /., her back to public sees FRANK ivho re-enters 
from BALCONY.) 

MRS. J. — No ! Frank you ought to have told your brother 
and saved me the pain of having to tell him. {While speak- 
ing to FRANK she reaches the armchair G. and FRANK 
takes centre.) 

FRANK — I wanted to keep your secret if I could. 

MRS. J. — Well, now I need your testimony to make your 
brother understand that he must give up once and for all 
the idea of mv being his 

JIM (To FRANK.)— Nell can't be my wife? 

FRANK— No. 

JIM — You know a sufficiently good reason, sufficiently good 
in my eves? 

FRANK— Yes. 

JIM — Can you prove it? 

FRASK — Yes, an accident gave me the proof. 

JIM (looks from his brother to MRS. J. and back)— AW 
right, all right. 

MRS. J. — And now / can go, can't I? There is nothing 
further for me to do here? 

(JIM has moved tip moodily, seats himself corner L. of 
table B. and plays with the ash tray that he tinds there. MRS. 
J. goes up to him.) You will never believe. Jim, how grieved 
I am to have unconsciously awakened in you this love that 
hurts you now so much. But what's done's done. Perhaps I 
did lead you on ! They say I'm a heartless sort of creature, 
and far too gay! Perhaps I am — and it will make it all the 
easier to forget me — O, you'll forget me very soon — you'll 

see — once I'm out of the way, Jim, you'll (JIM makes a 

movement.) realize what a mistake you've made. 

JIM — You're leaving Paris? 

MRS. J. — Yes, I am going to travel. Just made up my 
mind! It will be great fun! Good-bye, Jim. (Without rais- 
ing his eyes. JIM mechanically presses the hand that MRS. 
J. extends.) 

MRS. J. — And now I've only one favor to ask of you two 
men. If you've any feeling at all left for me, please don't say 
anything about this to Grace, will you? You know Frank, 
she'd be awfully broken up over Jim's disappointment and — 
and even over my having to clear out — and the whole thing! 
She'd feel it terribly. Let her come and see me to-morrow 
please before I go away. I can explain things to her so 
much better myself. Good-bye. good-bye, Jim. (She has 
moved up a little tozvards FRANK above tabic E. _ Now on 
her last good-bye. with tears in her eyes and her voice stifled, 
she goes ofF hastily.) 

FRANK— Good-bye. (FRANK accompanies MRS. JOHN- 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 57 

SON off, then after a long pause, steadily regarding his 
brother, he comes to liim and passes his arm about his 
shoulder.) Come, old man. 

JIM — Doesn't she seem different to you? (JIM speaks very 
much moved.) 

FRANK — No. I'm sorry for her. 

JIM — I say, Frank. (HE rises.) She's in love with Heath- 
co'te, isn't she? 

FRANK — She's in the habit of going to his rooms alone, 
she's (interrupted.) 

JIM — Never mind all that — but how in the devil did you 
know all this? 

FRANK — Merest chance. By a letter Heathcote sent to 
her here, which I opened by mistake. 

JIM — Why did he send a letter to her here, why not to her 
own house? 

FRANK — Because he knew that she was with us this 
evening. 

JIM— O! Have you read the letter? 

FRANK— Yes. 

JIM — It was conclusive? 

FRANK— Quite. 

JIM— I can't believe it! (He Xes. FRANK and moves to 
■fireplace very thoughtfully.) 

FRAN& — ^You are like all men in love, can't believe what 
you doiift zvant to. I read the letter and I read, too, the 
answer Nellie wrote and sent under my very eyes. It was 
more conclusive still. 

(HM turns quickly and returns to FRANK PAUSE.) 

JIM — She wrote her answer — under your eyes? 

FRANK— Yes. 

JIM— But why did she do that? 

FRANK — Oh, because — because I was stupid. You see 
an envelope came here without any address, and for a minute, 
to be honest, I suspected Grace who had the letter when I 
came in, so Nellie wanted to completely reassure me that the 
letter was written to her and made me read the answer. 

JIM (After a long silence)— 0\ O! Yes. (FRANK moves 
up above table E. down again in No. i between stool I. and 
chair F.) 

JIM — Of course there's no longer any doubt possible. If 
you've read the letter and if she insisted on your reading her 
reply, it's quite certain. 

FRANK— Oh, quite. (Pause.) 

JIM— Yes— yes (BOLLES enters R.) 

BOLES— Will I put the lights out, Sir? 

FRANK— Yes, yes; leave one; has Mrs. Morley gone to 
her room? 



S8 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

BOLES — Yes, sir. {He turns off switch No. i.) 

FRANK {TO //ilf)— Good-night, old chap; stay here as 
long as you like. 

JIM — Thanks, good-night. {BOLES turns off 2d switch. 
FRANK presses JIM'S hands and moves to door L.) 

FRANK — But you had better go and have a sleep. 
{FRANK says this on the threshold of the door and exits. 
BOLES goes to door R. and exits. Two businesses with the 
light. First extinction of electric chandelier, second extinc- 
tion of side lights. The stage is in half-darkness, lighted 
only by the play of the ffre which is in the fireplace N. JIM 
moves up to mantel and leans himself uf>on it in deep deiec- 

JIM — Sleep! {Starts to light a cigar.) Grace had the let- 
ter, and it had no address on it. {Repeats business of match 
— he stands thinking, and his match burns out. He lights an- 
other.) Nell brought Grace up — she adores her. Frank was 
there and Nell claimed the letter. {Repeats match bus.) 

She made him see her write an answer to persuade {He 

sits and then throws away cigar and with deep feeling, as 
he realizes the truth) God bless you, you Frisky Mrs. John- 



son. 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

Small Boudoir, Rotunda, white furniture, Louis XV., Cream 
Carpet. 

1. Small table, white, polish; upon it 3 square cardboard 
boxes, color light. 

2. 2. Armchairs, upholstered silk stuff. 

3. Lady's writing table ; bronze inkstand, letter-rack, blot- 
ting-pad, " mot a la poste," pentray, case with 3 memoran- 
dum books, railway time-table, steamboat time-table, bills, 
I book, I novel, banknotes, a sovereign, silver change, letter, 
cards. 

4. 4. Chairs, upholstered silk. 

5. Small polished table; upon it lady's traveling bag in 
yellowish leather. 

6. White skin. 

7. Stool, upholstered ; upon it square cardboard boxes, light 
color. 

8. Sofa in silk, dress thrown across it. 

9. 9. White laquered pedestals ; vase of flowers on one, on 
other female head. 

10. Lady's bookcase, glass doors; several books within; 
upon it, and behind the breastwork, green terra cotta statue 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 59 

of Sapho and some ornaments. Dresden china, bronzes, etc. 

11. Small electric lustre. 

12. Elegant trunk, filled with dresses. 

13. .13. 13- Three gilded chairs. On those before the chim- 
ney-piece, 2 large white boxes, round ; lady's hats ; on chair 
at back, 3 large square white boxes. 

14. Deerskin. 

15. Chimney-piece with mirror ; irons, fire-guard, clock, 
Louis XV. candelabra, rose candle, 2 bouquet holders, with 
Howers ; Dresden ornaments. 

16. Five little pictures hung from the wall by red ribbons. 

FURNITURE 

1. Little white polished table. 

2. Armchairs, upholstered silk. 

T. White polished table, forminp: writing table with drawer. 
I. Parchment book (monograph) to Tesson. 
Cook's ticket to Max. 
T. Sealed letter to Max. 
Play of light at End of Act. 

Room in Mrs. Johnson's house. On the rising of the cur- 
tain discovered MRS. J. and SARAH. SARAH is on her 
knees before the trunk K, Left Side.. MRS. J. is selecting 
books, 6 Baedekers.) 

MRS. J. — (B. C. Back to andience, before consol L.) Any 
room for Baedekers, Sarah? 

SARAH— A little. Mam, here in the corner. 

MRS. J. — There's no telling when we will be back and 
where we won't go. {She hands books to SARAH zvho puts' 
them into the open trunk.) (MRS. J. passes down L. to 
table F. and puts a box in the bag there.) 

SARAH — You can't tire me, mam, but I only hope we 
land finally back home in Cincinnati. 

MRS. J. — And that will do for now, Sarah. 

SARAH— Yes, m'm. (SARAH goes off door L. MRS. J. 
moves in frov.t of table F.. crosses stage, and seats herself 
chair D., and consults the two time-tables that are on left of 
table F.) 

MRS. J.— Let me see. . . . Oh, dear! What's that that 
clever Beatrice Herford said about those time-tables — the 
trains that start the hour you want, don't get there, and the 
trains that get there a comfortable hour, don't start! Paris- 
Bordeaux, here it is. There's an express at 6.35. Does that 
get there? Yes, at one o'clock in the morning. And now 
about the steamers. (She takes up another time-table.) 
Wednesdays and Saturdays. (SARAH re-enters door L., pre- 
ceeding LAL.) 



6o THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

SARAH— Mrs. Johnson will see you here, sir. (LAL 
moves in front of her, SARAH exits L.) 

MRS. J. — {Without looking up, arranging papers, etc., on 
her desk.) Is that the concierge? 

LAL — No. Good morning! It's Lai; you said 1 might 
call 

MRS. J. — Oh, you? I'm sorry I'm very busy to-day! I'm 
not at home. {She speaks without turning, arranging letter, 
etc., that are in front of her, hut holds out her hand zvhich 
LAL takes.) 

LAL— Oh, but I say— what? 

MRS. J. — I didn't know — when I asked you to call, I 
should be trotting off to-day. My departure is a little sudden. 
{She rises on her last zuords and moves up in front of table 
C. between armchair B and little table A. to fireplace, gathers 
some photographs from the mantel.) 

LAL — But you'll let me stay for just ten minutes, won't 
you? 

MRS. J. — Well, ten very short minutes — American minutes 
— not English ones. 

LAL — Everyone says you're such a jolly lot. I feel I came 
an awful cropper in not picking you out last night instead 
of Mrs. Chardley. 

MRS. J. — Yes, you quite snubbed me. But I saw my loss 
was very much Mrs. Chardley's gain. {She moves down to 
table A. and arranges some hat boxes lying there.) 

LAL — Oh, pshaw, it's all over ! 

MRS. J.— What! 

LAL — I've seen her in the daylight ! She wouldn't do for 
me a minute ! Bertie Heathcote's the chap / envy — they're 
saying jolly things about you and him, you know? 

MRS. J.— Are they? 

LAL — Well, rather! I wish I could get talked about like 
Bertie. It would be a great thing for me when I go back 
to the varsity. {Sits D.) 

MRS. J. — {Moves to desk.) I think, young man. your ten 
minutes are up ! 

LAL — Aw, I say ! Really, you're fast ! I mean your watch 
is fast! 

MRS. J. — Will you go to Cook's for me and get me two 
tickets? {Taking from desk a little pad with pencil, she 
ivritcs.) 

LAL — {Thinking the zvorst.) Two! I? {Rising.) 

MRS. J. — For my maid and myself. 

LAL — {Crestfallen.) — Oh! You're going away alone f 

MRS. J. — Don't you think I'm old enough to take care of 
myself? 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 6i 

LAL — No! You need a bally little chaperon; let me buy 
one, two, three tickets ! What ! Eh ? 

Mrs. J. — (Putting down pad, she crosses to table F.) If I 
don't travel alone, I always take a gang of young men — one 
would bore me ! (LAL follows her and steps on her train, 
and gets tangled up in it.) 

LAL — Oh, but you'd find me very amusing. I'm such a 
silly ass! Don't you think so? 

MRS. J.— I haven't thought. (Going to R. of table.) 

LAL — Well, I am ! Everybody guys me ! Non, come along. 
Suppose I take three tickets, what would you say to that? 

MRS. J. — I'd say it was one too many. (Goes before trunk 
ztnth a dress which she takes from sofa R.) 

LAL — (Follow to L. of trunk.) Yes, but if it was for me? 
Eh? What? 

MRS. J. — Do you really want to make yourself useful? 
Lift the tray! 

LAL — (Lifts tray.) I want to make myself useful. I want 
to make myself talked about. (He goes to put tray down.) 

MRS. ].— (Placing the dress in the trunk.) No! Hold it! 
Are you strong? Could you carry my dressingbag full of 
silver articles and bottles? My jewel case? You know 
American women's diamonds are weighed by the ton ! All 
right. (She motions and he places the tray in trunk.) Could 
you carry rugs, and hat boxes, a tea basket, and a Gladstone 
bag of books and magazines? 

LAL — When! where to — where are you going? 

MRS. J. — To the Canary Islands (Goes to desk C. 

opens dratvcr and takes a package which she places in tray, 
returning to desk.) 

LAL — (Follows to C.) To the Canary Islands! 

MRS. J.— To Madeira! 

LAL — Oh ! I say ! That's 14 days off by sea and I mvist 
be back at the Varsity by Tuesday week. No little canaries 
for me this time — what? 

MRS. J.— It's a little far for you, eh? 

LAL — Perhaps I had better get only two tickets. (Enter 
SARAH L.) 

SARAH — Your dressing case has come back, m'm. (Plac- 
ing it on table F.) 

MRS. T— Very good, Sarah! 

SARAH — Excuse me, mam, but as you're likely to have 
more visitors, hadn't I better take your trunk out? 

MRS. J.— Yes, Sarah; thank you — Mr. Birkenread will 
help you. 

LAL— (5orrrf.) Oh, with pleasure! (Takes off his white 
gloves.) (MRS. J. crosses to L. LAL goes to L. of trunk. 



63 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

SARAH to R. and they go out R.—SARAH doing most of 
the lifting — the trunk is heard dropped zvith a smasli.) 

(Re-enter LAL and SARAH. SARAH exits L. LAL comes 
down to R. C.) 

MRS. J. — Thank you, so much. You're quite a Samson. 

LAL — Yes, I am rather. You know it's hard lines on me — 
you won't flirt a httle with me — really^yes, on my word ! 
I'm so deviHsh anxious to pretend to have my reputation hurt. 

MRS. J. — What's the matter with using your first choice, 
Mrs. Chardley? 

LAL — Oh, she no good at all — she takes you seriously and 
thinks you mean it ! 

MRS. J. — How unreasonable in a woman! 

LAL— Yes, isn't it! Good-bye. 

MRS. J.— Good-bye. Don't forget my tickets. {Exit LAL.) 
{SARAH enters door L. ) (MRS. J. sits D. and arranges 
v:o:'cy. papers, etc.. or. desk for her Journey. She is almost 
crying.) 

SARAH — Jones asked me if he was to send on our letters. 
I J^aid as he was — that you'd send the address. 

MRS. J. — {Goes to table F. and undoes the dressing case.) 
Poste Restante Madeira, if you want letters, Sarah, / don't 
Vv'ont any. 

SARAH — {Looking at the cases.) Oh, it does look pretty, 
mam. 

MRS. J. — Does it? (Not caring.) You seem very pleased 
to be going away, Sarah? 

SARAH — I am pleased, mam. I'm like you, madame. there 
is nothing to attach me to Paris — I like the clothes here, mam- 
but I don't like the women in them. 

MRS. J. — You are very observing, Sarah. 

SARAH — Yes, mam — and I believe it's nice and warm and 
sunny weather there where we're going. 

MRS. J. — Yes ; they sav it's a beautiful country ! But I 
know a better, Sarah. (Shozviug more and more emotion.) 

SARAH — So do I, mam, and I wish we were going there ! 

MRS. J.— So do I, Sarah ! 

SARAH — (Lifting up one of the cases.) I should choose 
this one, so distinguished looking. Why don't you go back, 
mam ? 

MRS. J.— Not this time, Sarah! I want to be able to feel 
happy when I go back home, and just now — well, Sarah — 
things have (almost breaking down) gone sort of wrong with 
me since yesterday. 

SARAH — Still ain't it grand to be free like you, mam, so's 
you can go no matter where — just when you like. 

MRS. J. — Yes, it's nice, it's very nice. (SHE cries.) 
{SARAH surprised.) 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 63 

SARAH— Oh, madam— what is it? 

MRS. J. — Oh, I don't know, Sarah — I've lost my grip a 
little — never mind — go on with your work. (SARAH makes 
a movement to go to Mrs. J. in sympathy, but turns and ex- 
its L.) 

MRS. J. — {Drying her eyes.) Oh, how stupid I am — what -^ 
the use — I'm in for it now — I must see it through somehow. 
{GRACE enters, door L. and moves to MRS. J. zvho takes 
her hands gaily, hiding her emotion.) 

MRS. J.— Gracem it's you, my darling, is it? {SHE leads 
her round in front of chair R. C, and seats her in arm- 
chair B.) 

GRACE — You meant what you said in your note? You're 
going away to-day? 

MRS. J. — {Against desk.) You see, I'm just finishing my 
packing. 

GRACE — But where are you going? 

MRS. J.— To Madeira. 

GRACE — When do you leave Paris? 

MRS. J. — This evening at 6.35. 

GRACE — And do you imagine that I am going to allow 
this, that I am going to tolerate being the cause of your 
going off there and breaking Jim's heart into the bargain? 

MRS. J. — Your husband has told you? 

GRACE— Yes. 

MRS. J. — That was wrong of Frank. Jim Morley will con- 
sole himself. Besides, he's been globe trotting for the last 
five years ; now it's w;_v turn ; that's all. 

GRACE — Don't try "to joke about it, Nell ! I knotv you're 
in love with Jim. 

MRS. J. — You don't know anything of the sort. 

GRACE — Then why this journey? 

MRS. J. — My dear! Most people would find a journey to 
Madeira at this time of year extremely agreeable. 

GRACE — Dear old Nell — you can't deceive me. You are 
running av/ay ! You hadn't thought of this journey yester- 
day morning ! It was only after Jim had asked you to be 
his wife. 

MRS. J. — A proposal of marriage needn't drive a woman 
out of Paris — she can say no — politely — with thanks — and be 
done with it. 

GRACE — Exactly — unless she loves , him. 

MRS. J. {In lowered voice — trying to control herself.) — 
Even then 

GRACE {Stopping her.)— You daren't trust yourself to 
stay. {Rises.) You've discovered you love Jim, and so you 
suddenly find yourself in an impossible situation. Only the 



64 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

truth could free you. And the truth would sacrifice me. 
{Cross toward C.) So you won't speak it — but I will! 

MRS. J.— Grace! 

GRACE — Yes, you do love Jim and he loves you, and I 
spoil your two lives with my fault! 

MRS. J. — You mean you'll confess to your husband? 

GRACE— To Frank— no! Not yet, but I shall tell Jim. 

MRS. J. {Going to L. of desk.) — Oh, no, no, Grace, it will 
be the same thing and I — I could never enjoy my happiness if 
it was bought with yours. 

GRACE — Ah! That's just it — neither could I enjoy my 
rescue if it was bought with your happiness — and besides, it's 
right for me to lose ; not you. 

MRS. J. — But you're mistaken — I haven't said I loved Jim 
—I don't. 

GRACE — I don't believe you. 

MRS. J. — Listen, listen, Grace — it's true ! Jim's grief won't 
be any less after you've spoken. His grief arises in me, be- 
cause I don't love him, and I'm going away, running away, 
if you like, but not to forget him, so that he may forget me. 

GRACE — I don't believe you. 

MRS. J. — You've made up your mind? 

GRACE — I have made up my mind. 

MRS. J. — And suppose Jim doesn't keep your secret, sup- 
pose he thinks he has no right to keep it? 

GRACE — I'm not sure I want him to ! I don't think I 
could go on deceiving Frank much longer — I can't bear it — 
why, I'm sure — you — if you didn't love me too much — would 
revolt at it ! 

MRS. J. — But don't let us do anything too hurriedly, too 
brutally. Only yesterday Jim said if he found anyone in his 
home wearing a mask, no matter how dear the wearer was 
to him, he would tear off tlie mask. Grace, Grace, you mustn't 
tell him! {Sits chair B.) 

GRACE — He said that? Well, will you give me your 
word of honor — you do not love Jim? {SHE moves down 
to MRS. J.) . 

MRS. J.— Of course I will. (GRACE takes MRS. J.'S 
hand and looks deep in her eyes.) 

GRACE — You give me your word of honor that my con- 
fession is useless? 

MRS. J. — Yes — at the present moment — it would make 
everything worse. {GRACE looks at her long in silence.) 
Why do you look at me so? 
GRACE— I am trying to believe you. {SARAH enters 
from door L. and remains tvhile announcing LORD HEATH- 
COTE— MRS. J. rises.) 



THE FKISKY MKb. JOHNSON 65 

SARAH — Lord Heathcote asks if you will see him, 
Madame ? 

GRACE— Lord Heathcote ! 

MRS. J.— Your letters. (To SARAH.) I am at home, 
show Lord Heathcote in. {SARAH exits L.) 

GRACE — Make him give them up quickly and go. I don't 
want to see him. I'll stay in your room. (SHE moves towards 
door R. 4. MRS. J. moving with her.) (Enter Bertie L.) 

MRS. J.— Well, Mr. Flirt! (BOTH C.—up stage.) 

BERTIE— Well, Mrs. Frisky! 

MRS. J. — You have brought me the letters I want? 

BERTIE (Puts his hat and stick on chair E. to get out 
the letters.) Behold them! Boudoir dynamite! (HE hands 
to MRS. J. a package of letters. She takes and places it on 
desk C— BERTIE follozvs.) 

MRS. J.— Are you quite well? (Sitting chair D.) 

BERTIE — Depressed (Almost sits in chair E., realizes 

his hat is there; and removes it to the Hoor, with his cane, 
and sits.) There is the sadness in my soul of a love that is 
over. 

MRS. J. (More to herself.) — And in mine the terror of a 
love that begins. 

BERTIE — Ha, ha, I saw clearly. I am very pleased with 
myself. I may say now that I had foretold to myself your 
little journey. It's the only way out for you. 

MRS. J. — And can you foretell me as well that I shall come 
back over it? 

BERTIE — People always get over it. If they didn't how 
do we manage to fall in again. 

MRS. J. — You don't mean, of course not, not you, already? 

BERTIE— Yes. Now that I have returned the letters I 
have less scruple in telling you that I am a little taken. 

MRS. J. — The chorus young lady? 

BERTIE — The chorus young lady. 

MRS. J. — Bertie, you are a wonder! 

BERTIE — She's a chorus young lady now, but, I assure 
you, it isn't what she's used to; her family is the real thing; 
she told me so herself. 

MRS. T. — And do you believe her? 

BERTIE — Yes, I do ; she's such an awful bad actress ! 

MRS. T.— What's her charm? 

BERTIE— She's so domestic. 

MRS. J.— Oh. yes. The armchair by the fireside and some 
mild ciearettes. 

BERTIE— Yes! Her place is_ most beantifu11v_ furnished. 
Metaohorically speaking — even sUhfers at the fireside. 

MRS. J.— And did they fit— metaphorically? 

BERTIE — No. they're not quite easy — metaphorically! 



66 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J.— Oh ! 

BERTIE — Yes, I think there's someone else ahead of me! 
I am outside the door, as it were. 

MRS. J. — Look and see if the key isn't in it. 

BERTIE^And, then, you see, the lady's romantic, and she's 
arrived at an age when women seem to look for such material 
proof of devotion. 

MRS. J.— What age is she? 

BERTIE— Eighteen. 

MRS. J. — Why don't you ask her to marry 3'ou? 

BERTIE — That seems such a desperate step ! Let us talk 
about yon. Mr. Jim has proposed to you fairly and squarely. 

MRS. J. (Crosses before him to window L. and looks out 
and moves up Center.) Those are serious things. They can't 
concern you. 

BERTIE— As you please. I only thought of sitting down 
quietly for a couple of hours and discussing the thing with 
you philosophically. 

MRS. J. — Good of you, but I have so much else to do! 
{She recrosses in front of table F., moves to chair D.. and 
locks up letters in the drawer of the table.) 

BERTIE (Rises.) — Good-bye, then. (Picks up his hat and 
cane.) And my best wishes for your journey to 

MRS. J.— To Madeira. 

BERTIE — The Canary Islands, I believe? 

MRS. J. — I believe so, too. (SHE moves up tozvards C.) 

BERTIE— Where the birds come from. (BERTIE has 
follozved her, finds himself C. MRS. J. moves to go off R., 
then turns and satisfies herself that BERTIE has not yet 
gone, and inquires.) 

MRS. J.— Well? 

BERTIE — Do you know what I miss to-day? It's not see- 
ing Mr. Jim Morley arrive. Generally whenever I'm going, 
he's coming in, and vice versa. (SARAH enters L.) 

SARAH— Mr. James Morley. 

MRS. J. — Ah, of course, and here he is. Only just in 
time! (Reading.) Yes, James Morley. (To herself.) Well, 
I could very well have done without this visit. 

BERTIE— I'll be oflf. I don't want him to find me here. 
Which is the servants' staircase? (BERTIE moves down 
betzi'een fable F. and sofa H.) 

MRS. J. — No, wait. I want him to see you here. The very 
thing! Show him in. Sarah. 

SARAH— Yes, ma'am. (Exits L.) 

BERTIE (Near chair G.) You know you'll end by getting 
my head punched ! 

MRS. J. (Comes dorm.) Don't be frightened. I'll protect 
you! 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 67 

BERTIE — Yes, but I say, you know he's jealous of me, and 
he'll see you are going away, and he mayn't give us time to 
explain. 

MRS. J. — You mustn't explain! You mustn't explain any- 
thing! 

BERTIE— 5»; 

MRS. J. — Sh ! {JIM enters — and comes down center 

above chair E.) 

JIM — You mustn't mind my coming without sending you 
word — Oh! (Sees BERTIE.) I beg your pardon. 

BERTIE— Oh, not at all, not at all ! 

MRS. J. — You don't disturbe me. Lord Heathcote is help- 
ing me to get ready for the iourney. 

BERTIE — Yes, I'm helping; that's all, helping! 

TIM — You are leaving Paris? Soon? 

MRS. J.— To-day. 

JIM— Not alone? 

MRS. J.— No. 

BERTIE — Yes, she is ! Yes, she is ! What do you mean ? 

MRS. J. — I am taking my maid. 

BERTIE— Oh, of course ! 

MRS. J.— Won't you sit down, Jim? (MRS. J. seats her- 
self chair D. JIM in chair E. BERTIE looks round for a 
seat, sees stool G, upon which is a large hat box. He takes it, 
doesn't know where to put it. goes to put it down on table F, 
but JIM'S severe look embarrasses him. He hesitates and 
then places the box on sofa L, to his R., and sits on chair G.) 

BERTIE— Mr. and Mrs. Morley are quite well? 

JIM— In perfect health. 

BERTIE— So am I. 

JIM^That interests me very much. 

MRS. j. — How was the Vernets' party last night? 

BERTIE — Oh, the Varnets seemed to be having the time 
of their life, but all their guests were bored to death. (To 
JIM.) You weren't there? 

JIM— No. 

BERTIE— Sorry. 

JIM— Thank you. (Pause.) 

BERTIE (To JIM.) — How was the weather when you 
came in? 

JIM— I didn't notice. 

BERTIE — I was wondering 

JIM — You could easily find out ! 

MRS. J.— Jim! 

BERTIE— No, I meant— however— I think I will go all the 
same. (Rising.) 

JIM (Rising.) — You will leave me alone with Lord Heath- 
cote a moment? 



68 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J.— No, I'd rather not. 

BERTIE— I agree with Mrs. Johnson. 

JIM {To MRS. /.)— I must insist. {MRS. J. rises.) 

BERTIE — So must I — in fact, I must go anyway. 

JIM — Not yet. I have a few words to say to you. 

BERTIE — The idea doesn't appeal to me in the slightest! 

JIM {To MRS. /.)— Please go, for a moment. Don't 
worry. I promise not to hurt him. 

BERTIE — Really! I say, I may be small in body, but my 
spirit's as big as yours! {To MRS. J.) Yes, go, for my 
sake, now ! 

MRS. J. {To BERTIE.) I know I can trust you. 
(BERTIE bou's and MRS. J. exits.) 

BERTIE — Now, what is it please? 

JIM— That lady? 

BERTIE— Is an angel. 

JIM — I didn't ask your opinion. 

BERTIE— No, but I gave it! 

JIM — She's never loved you? 

BERTIE— No, oddly enough, she hasn't! I think she has 
bad taste in such matters. 

JIM — What do you mean? 

BERTIE— Nothing ! 

JIM — And yet you are willing to compromise her? 

BERTIE — Beg your pardon, it is just the other way round. 
The victim is little me. 

JIM — You know the reason. 

BERTIE— No. 

JIM — To protect my sister-in-law. 

BERTIE— No reason to. 

JIM — There is nothing between you and my sister-in-law? 

BERTIE — No, and if you say there is, I'll do my best to 
knock you down. {Short pause.) 

JIM — By George, you've got me. {BERTIE bows.) 
{Short pause.) {IIM goes to door R. and opens it.) Our 
interview is over. {MRS. J. re-enters, comes to chair D., 
curious to knotv zvhat has happened, but can read nothing in 
their faces.) {BERTIE passes before table F. to MRS. J. 
and shakes hands.) 

BERTIE — Good-bye, and a pleasant voyage. May I write? 
{JIM has moved up to back center a little above table C. 
turning with his back to BERTIE.) 

MRS. J.— Often. 

BERTIE — Every day. Good-bye! 

MRS. J. — Good-bye. {He moves up to door L. accompanied 
by MRS. J. He bows to her and Jo JIM and exits L.) 

JIM — Nell! {Going to before chair E.) 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 69 

MRS. J.— Why have you come here to-day? (She moves 
to JIM bctivcen table F. and sofa H.) 

JIM— Because I love you, and I couldn't let you go like 
this. 

MRS. J. — It only makes things harder — more to suffer. 

JIM— What does that matter to you? I am the only one 
who suffers. 

MRS. J.— Jim 

JIM — You said you were taking your maid. I suppose 
you're taking Bertie Heathcote, too. 

MRS. J.— No. 

JIM — Nor Lai? Nor none of the others? 

MRS. J.— No. It's funny, but I want to be alone. (She 
leans upon fable F.) I'm going to nature— I want to get 
away from asphalt and electric light, from the shops and 
the crowds, from everybody! 

JIM — A voyage of pleasure. (He moves away to R. corner 
of table C.) f 

MRS. J. — You know you don't mean that! It isn't a journey 
of pleasure because I take with me the regret of having 
awakened in such a man as you, a love of which I wish I were 
worthy. 

JIM (Moves to MRS. /.)— No, Nell, no, it won't do. I 
respect your motive, but I am not taken in by it. 

MRS. J. — I have no motive. 

JIM — Haven't you? Listen to me a minute. The more 
you accuse yourself, the more something in me asserts your 
innocence, and let me tell you, too, this something isn't my 
love, it is my reason. Your attitude just now with that fel- 
low who has gone out; the way you speak to him, and have 
spoken of him— I know — you are not — he has never meant 
anything to you. I look into your eyes, and I knotv you have 
never been and will never be the mistress of any man, except 
the man you marry. No, you are sacrificing yourself for some' 
one else, and for whom? It must be someone you love dearer 

than yourself, someone so close to you (GRACE sets 

ajar door R., pauses and listens without being seen by 
speakers.) 

MRS. T.— No, no ! Don't say it ! 

JIM — And who are the two people in whose eyes you are 
trying to appear guilty? My brother first and then me. '■■ ■ 

MRS. J.— Jim! , ; ■" 

. JIM — It's as plain as daylight for whom you are sacrificing 
yourself! For her, and only for her, could you do it! 

MRS. J. (Sobbing.) It is not true! It is not true! (She 
sees GRACE and runs to her to prevent her speaking.) Go 
back, go back, for God's sake! (GRACE comes down.} ■ 

GRACE — Yes, Jim, it is true. (She is above table C.) ' " ^ 



JO THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J. — No, Grace, I forbid you saying so. 

GRACE — I will say the truth. I won't have you punished 
in my stead — (Crossing to JIM) — nor you. 

JIM — Thank vou. (He moves azi'ay and doivn a little in 
front of table F.) 

GRACE (Turning to MRS. /.)— You forbid me to speak, 
Nell ! If you only knew what a relief it is to me, after these 
dreadful weeks of guilty deception, to cry out at least to the 
man who loves you and whom you love (Interrupted.) 

MRS. J. — Grace! (Going to her and putting her arm about 
her.) 

GRACE — Whom you love ! To cry out to him, take her, 
adore her, she is worthy of you ! Only, in all your happiness, 
please, please don't forget me! I have need of a little pity, 
and. Oh. so much pardon! (She hides her face on MRS. J.'S 
shoulder, MRS J. consoles her.) 

JIM — -I knew Nell was lying. 

MRS. J. — You have all my pity, dear, and you shall have 
all the pardon that my love can get for you ; you child, you 
lost little child, you ! 

GRACE — Thank you. I'm going now. I've taken my first 
lionest step, and want to thiuK out, quite by myself, what to 
do next. 

MRS. J.- — Shall I come to you after lunch? 

GRACE — No, let me come here. Frank 

MRS. J. — I understand. He doesn't v/ant me to come to 
his house. (Angry movement by JIM.) 

GRACE — He may want you there rather than me, by this 
afternoon. 

MRS. J. — Don't do anything rash. Grace. 

GRACE — I hope that sort of thing is banished out of my 
life. (Exits without saying good-bye,) (MRS. J. accompanies 
GRACE a step or two, then returns.) (JIM has crossed to 
table C.) 

JIM (Opening his arms.) — Nell, you can't say no to me 
now, you can't. 

MRS. J. (Going into his arms.) — Dear Jim! 

JIM— How I love you ! 

MRS. J.— Don't give her pity only, will you? Give her 
friendship, too, Jim. I've got to lift her up .somehow, and I 
want to do it quietly. Help me to help her. Try to still care 
for her, can't you ? 

JIM — I love you. 

MRS. J. — She has separated from Heathcote for good. 
She's a wretched child. Think how awful her punishment 
must be already, and the more there must be. Stand by her 
with me, won't you, and together we must do what we can 
for her with Frank. 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 71 

JIM — I love you, I love you ! 

MRS. J.— No more than I do you — but we mustn't be 
selfish. (Enter GRACE hurriedly, frightened.) 

GRACE— Nell! 

MRS. J.— What is it? (Going to her, C.) 

GRACE — At the door I saw Frank coming in. If he.sei^ds 
his name, sav vou're out, won't you? 

MRS. J.— He'll come up, he always does. (Enter SARAH.) 

SARAH— Mr. Morley is coming up. Madam. 

GRACE (Uly stage above table C.) Oh, if he does. (To 
JIM, R. C.) Don't tell him now, will you? Don't— oh, don't! 
not now, nor yet. I'm not ready. I couldn't bear any more 
to-day. I couldn't bear it. 

MRS. J. (Movent fnt.) — You'll spare her to-day, won't you, 
Jim? 

JIM — I'll spare her every day! ' 

GRACE (//; gratitude.)— Oh \ 

MRS. J.— Jim! (Enter SARAH announcing.) 

SARAH— Mr. Morley. (Enter FRANK and exit SARAH.) 

FRANK — I have come (He sees the others and stops 

sliort — a silence. He looks from one to the other, trying 
to " take in " the situation.) I have come to say good-bye. 
(Rc-cntcr SARAH zvith an envelope, zvhich she gives to 
MRS. JOHNSON.) 

MRS. J. (Getting to SARAH L.)— What is it? 

SARAH — The young gentleman who was here left this, 
hearing you had other company he wouldn't come in. 
(E.rit SARAH L.) 

FRANK (O— Lord Heathcote ! (Movements by JIM and 
GRACE.) 

MRS. J. (Coming dozvn L. of table F.) — You are wrong. 
It was not Lord Heathcote. Someone else got these tickets 
for me to Madeira. 

FRANK — To Madeira! You and Heathcote are going 

(Interrupted.) 

JIM — Mrs. Johnson was going with her maid only, but 
(crossing to MRS. J.) Give me them, dear. (Takes them 
and puts them on table L.) I have persuaded Mrs. Johnson 
not to go. 

FRANK — You! Jim, are you crazy? Grace, dear, why 
are. you here? You are not abetting Jim? If you have said 
good-bye to your sister, dearest, go home now, let me talk 
to Jim and Nellie alone. 

GRACE (Coming dozvn to chair B.) — No. I want to hear 
what you say — I am abetting Jim. 

JIM— Frank, suppose you and T go out alone and I'll hear 
what vou have to say. 

GRACE-NO ! 



72 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

MRS. J. (Coming below and around table F.) — No! 
What's to be said can be said here. 

FRANK (To JIM.) — You've persuaded Mrs. Johnson not 
to go away. 

JIM— I have. 

FRANK (To MRS. /.)— Is that true? (A pause.) 

JIM— Nell? 

MRS. J.— Yes ! 

FRANK (To JIM.)— And you know the truth about Heath- 
cote? 

JIM— I do. The truth. 

FRANK (Cross JIM to MRS. /.)— And you will accept 
this sacrifice? — from the man you pretend to 

TIM (Inf.) — Ask inc such questions, Frank. 

FRANK— I won't! (To MRS. J.) Will you marry Jim, 
after what I know? 

JIM— Stop it! 

FRANK — I won't! I'll save you if I can before it's too 
late. You're infatuated with this woman, but it won't last — 

TIM— Frank! 

FRANK — And when it's too late you'll wake up and real- 
ize what you've done ! Degraded yourself and thrown away 
your name, and your love on someone not (Int.) 

GRACE (Int., moving below table C.) — Frank, Frank, she's 
my sister! 

FRANK (Crossing JIM to R. C.)— No, she isn't! She's 
cut the tie! You are no sister to a creature who (In- 
terrupted.) 

TIM — Don't you say it ! 

FRANK — Give her up and I won't! 

TIM — I'll never give her up! 

FRANK — By God, you shall ! I'll show her up for what 
she is 

GRACE— No, you can't but I can ! 

MRS J. (Crossing JIM to FRANK.)— Grace] 

GRACE — Everything you think of her, you ought to think 
of me. 

MRS. J. (Going to her.) — Grace! My dear, what did you 
now ? 

GRACE (Coming doivn and toward C.) — She lied to pro- 
tect me— do you understand me (Pause.) (FRANK 

dazed.) It was I (Interrupted.) (FRANK looks first 

at GRACE, then at JIM, then at MRS. J.,.R., and then back 
at GRACE. In each face he reads differently _ the truth.) 

FRANK — It's true? It's true? (Coming down to 
GRACE.) It was you after all? You! You!! (Seizes 
her.) 



THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 73 

GRACE {Cries in fear.) — Frank! ! {JIM moves toward 
them but stops.) 

FRANK {Leaver go his hold of her. A pause.) — Grace! 
Oh, Grace! — ^God forgive you! — God forgive you! ! {Al- 
most breaks down.) 

MRS. J. (Putting GRACE in chair- B.)— Will you try to 
do what you ask of God? (Crossing to FRANK.) 

FRANK— No ... I couldn't! That's different . . . 
I'm only a manf It takes God to do that. (A pause.) 

GRACE — I don't ask you to forgive me. I know the 
future must hold only punishment for me. I'll do what you 
say, go where you wish. 

FRANK — Different ways, that's all I know now ! We'll go 
different ways ! I don't ever want to see you again. Only 
to forget you, to forget you — I'll go home, go home by the 
first boat, and get myself free from you, CUT myself quite 
free ! THEN I'll be able to take a long breath. 

GRACE — I knew you would throw me off — I don't blame 
you. 

MRS. J. — But, Frank, you will spare her all you can, won't 
you? 

FRANK— Why? 

MRS. J. — You'll not drag her down farther than she lies 
now, with a public disgrace, a public scandal. 

FRANK — Why not? I mean to be rid of her. 

MRS. J.— Your heart (Interrupted.) 

FRANK— She's broken it ! 

JIM — Your own honor? 

FRANK — She's sullied it so black I can't make it blacker. 

JIM — Yes, you can. She's a woman, and weaker than you 
after all. A man doesn't kick even a fellowman who is down 
before him. 

MRS. J. — And she loved you once, and loves you now — 
yes — you needn't sneer. I'll bet she loves yovt now with a 
love double she ever felt before, and that love will carry her 
punishment with it through the rest of her life. 

GRACE — Don't say anything more, Nell. What ever he 
does will be just. 

JIM — It's a hard word to those we've ever loved. Pity 
is a better. 

FRANK— Good-bye. (To IIM. JIM refuses his hand and 
moves up to L.) (To MRS. I.) Good-bye. I'd ask your 
pardon, but I haven't the courage — I can't ask for what I 
can't give (Goes up stage.) 

MRS. J.— Try! (Takes her hand.) She'll suffer enough 
without your helping — Frank — mend your own heart with a 
little — pity. (Pause.) Be big! (Pause.) 



74 THE FRISKY MRS. JOHNSON 

JIM {Goes to him.) — Frank! {His hand on his shoulder. 
Pause.) 

FRANK (L. C, looks at tickets on table and Hnally takes 
them up.) ( To MRS. J. up C.) — May I have these tickets 
for Madeira? 

MRS. J.— Yes. (Pause.) 

FRANK (Crosses to Grace.) — You go back to America — 
(pause) — and get it for desertion. (Exits L.) 

MRS. J. (Coming to Grace behind chair B. To GRACE.) 
— I'll go home with you. 

JIM (Crossing to them, beside chair B. L.) — We'W go home 
with you. 



CURTAIN 



APR 9 1903 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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01 1 023 569 ^ 



